


Memories Revealed

by unholy_this



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: (not coz I hate him but just for the purposes of this story), Bodily Fluids, Choking, Collars, Explicit Sexual Content, Humiliation, M/M, Mind Manipulation, Non-Consensual Bondage, Non-consensual hatesex, Nonconsensual use of Sex Pollen, Orgasm Denial, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rape, a n g s t, background Captain Swan, memory wiping, villain Rumpelstiltskin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-09-16 04:58:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16947444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unholy_this/pseuds/unholy_this
Summary: After Killian and Emma discover a box full of dreamcatchers with Killian's lost memories that Gold kept, Killian makes the hard decision to watch what they contain. Post S7.





	1. post-3x22

**Author's Note:**

> So a few hours ago killian-whump on Tumblr dropped [this gem of fanfiction fodder](http://killian-whump.tumblr.com/post/180996620628/lost-memories), encouraging people to add to it, and of course I had to write something! The more I think about it, the more ideas I get, but ending up writing them is another thing, heh heh *coughs*. But for now I wrote something, so here it goes. Unbeta-ed because I’m too excited to share it with you _right the fuck now_.
> 
> Make sure you read killian-whump’s thing first, so you have a better grasp on the general story.
> 
> Additional note: This story is not meant to be seen as very realistic, since there’s a lot of magic stuff going on that mess with the realism, so don't consider it a realistic depiction of rape and its consequences.

_It was like it was happening all over again._

* * *

Hook closed the door to his room and leaned his forehead on it. Gods, that was a lot. From time-travelling to coming back, to Emma kissing him and to Marian suddenly coming back from the dead…

Emma kissing him. He closed his eyes and smiled. He had no idea where they would go from now, but he was happy to know-

A sudden noise behind him had him whip his head around. He could make out a figure standing in front of his window, but it was too dark to tell who it was. He turned on the light switch and squinted at the sudden light, but it was enough to see his unexpected guest was Mr. Gold, all dressed up in a fancy suit, hands crossed. Gold hadn’t even squinted, he only kept looking at him.

“Mr. Gold. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Hook said, strutting towards him. He had to admit, he was more than a little light-headed. He took off his leather duster and unceremoniously threw it on a nearby armchair.

“Do you know how long I was being held in Zelena’s cell?” Gold asked, uncrossing his hands and taking a few steps toward him.

Killian leaned his head forward, clearly not intimidated by Gold’s proximity. “If I had to guess? Six months?”

“Long enough to miss everything freedom had to offer. Long enough to almost forget what’s it like to be in control.”

Killian looked him straight in the eyes. Those things he had mentioned… Killian wasn’t that unaccustomed to that feeling. The Crocodile didn’t need to know that, though. “Zelena did quite a number on you, didn’t she?” he said with a sneer.

Clearly though, Gold wasn’t insulted at all. “I love Belle. I truly care for her, but I’d never admit to her she doesn’t give me the thrill I want.”

Hook flinched. “What makes you think I’m interested in hearing that?”

“What makes you think you have a choice whether to hear it or not?”

Killian’s jaw dropped slightly and he took a half-step back, but before he could mutter an answer he felt his body fly towards his bed. He yelled in alarm as ropes materialized out of nowhere and wrapped around his wrists and ankles and then tied themselves on the corners of the bed. He panted, turning to look at Gold as he tried to slip free.

Gold was looking at him with the same face, only now there were faint traces of a smile on it. “Belle cannot give me this thing I want… but you will,” he said and climbed on the bed atop him.

Killian screamed, trying to kick his feet around but they were firmly tied down, giving him no freedom of movement. “What are you doing?! Get off of me!”

Gold smiled wider and laughed, a sound that made Killian’s blood freeze. “Why, I _am_ going to get off… _inside you_ ,” he said.

Killian’s eyes went wide. He’d heard enough of this realm’s slang to know exactly what Gold meant. It took him a moment to come back to his senses and start fighting back again, but by then Gold was already unbuttoning Killian’s vest. Gold seemed to have no problem doing so even with Killian squirming under him.

“So you’re gonna kill me then?” Killian said, trying to keep his voice stable. “Or put me in a cage like Zelena did you?”

“That wouldn’t be a bad idea, the last one that is,” Gold said and looked up at him. He leaned over, face dangerously close, and he licked Killian’s cheek.

Killian groaned in disgust and moved away, but Gold didn’t seem annoyed at all. He simply leaned back and started unbuttoning Killian’s shirt.

“But why would I kill you?” he continued. “I expect you’re gonna be way too much fun for me to discard you like this.”

“And what makes you think I won’t tell everyone? And first of all, your precious wife Belle?” Killian said.

Gold didn’t look up at him, still undoing buttons. “Oh, I didn’t doubt you would. But you know me better than thinking I’d come half-cocked,” he said and looked up at him for a moment, smile growing scarier and scarier.

Killian felt a shiver run down from his spine to his legs. “What are you going to do to me?”

“Patience, captain. It’ll all come together,” he said and sighed when the last button was undone, and Killian’s chest was now fully exposed. Gold’s smile became softer now as his fingers ran through the pirate’s chest hair.

Killian whimpered and squirmed under him, but he knew better than to beg. He had to find a way out of those restraints… He focused on the rope around his left wrist as Gold kept touching his chest, every single sigh from his lips bringing Killian closer to vomiting. Realistically, it wouldn’t be hard to pull his arm off, even if he had to slip it out of the brace. But every time he pulled it felt like there was something more than the rope holding his arm there.

“Magic,” Gold said almost breathlessly. “Try as you might, you’re as mobile as a rock right now.” He suddenly jerked his hips forward, and Killian felt Gold’s erection beneath his pants. Gold must have seen the shock written on his face, for he leaned forward again, bringing his face close to his, and whispered, “Oh. Oh, I see now. This isn’t the first time it’s happening, is it?”

Killian swallowed hard and took a ragged breath. How… how did he-

“I’m very good at reading people, and if there’s one emotion I excel at distinguishing, it’s desperation. You know exactly how it’s going to go, and you can’t even hide your fear, can you?”

Killian squeezed his eyes shut and pushed the side of his face into the pillow. No good in hiding now. “Just get on with it,” he said, voice much weaker than he’d intended.

“Oh, but I need something,” Gold said, and Killian felt his fingers go for the laces of his leather pants. Killian swallowed a whimper as he tried to focus on what the Crocodile was saying. “Another thing I love, it’s names. Knowing someone’s name gives you _power_ over them, so I’d like to know… what was their name?”

“What?” Killian breathed, feeling tears threaten to spill.

“The name, of the person who raped you. What was it?”

“Why do you wanna know?”

A slap landed on his face and Killian gasped in shock, opening his eyes.

“You don’t get to ask questions. Just tell me what I want to know, pirate. How was your rapist called?”

_Captain John Silver. First mate Edmund. Peter Pan…_

“Peter Pan,” Killian said without thinking. Perhaps that would deter Gold from touching him, knowing the tumultuous relationship they had - let alone that they _were_ related. Killian stared at him, however Gold appeared to simply be thinking as he took Killian’s boots off.

“Well, I suppose then,” he said, “… the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.”

Killian felt his whole body freeze. “No!” he screamed as Gold grabbed Killian’s pants and pulled, taking them off completely yet somehow not getting them stuck on the rope ends. He tossed them aside carelessly and looked at Killian’s exposed crotch.

“When was the last time?” Gold said.

Killian couldn’t speak.

“When was the last time?!” Gold said louder.

“I- I don’t- I don’t… remember. It’s been…” he couldn’t finish, as he started feeling his lips tremble. He wouldn’t trust his voice to utter much either.

“Well then, I guess I’ll have to stretch you open again myself,” he said, taking off his jacket and lowering his pants.

Killian didn’t want to look. But he also couldn’t look elsewhere and just… wait. He started feeling other body parts tremble - hand, arms, knees - and his position was starting to hurt. There was another impulse to throw up when Gold exposed his erection and rubbed it softly, smile spreading.

“Look how eager I am for you. You should feel honoured, that a man like me wants to rape a man like you.” Gold rubbed his hands together and a slimy substance appeared on them, which he then rubbed on his length. “Gotta take care of your asshole too, right? Can’t have you limp for the whole week, someone will notice. Perhaps even you.”

Killian was too shocked to comprehend what Gold was saying. Did he think he’d forget all this and would _probably_ deduce he was raped if Gold didn’t use lube? Yet he couldn’t talk. He felt paralysed as he watched Gold lift up his hips and enter him. He only managed a broken whimper.

“Oh come on, I’m not even hurting you that much,” Gold said as he thrust in, groaning in pleasure.

Killian’s tears finally spilled. It didn’t need to feel painful for him to feel broken over it. Perhaps that was the most difficult part, that Gold was trying to make it easy for him. Why would he care?

This was Killian’s last coherent thought as he started squirming, trying to pull away from him and to do _anything_ to set his arms and legs free. He was soon screaming and flailing on the bed, but it didn’t seem to deter Gold at all.

“You can also scream all you want,” Gold said, panting. “No-one will hear you now.”

Killian didn’t want to scream, though. He tried to keep his screams in as much as he could, wanting to keep on as little dignity as he was allowed. He couldn’t stop his quiet crying, however. Tears and snot ran down his face to his pillow, and silent sobs rocked his chest as Gold moved inside him.

_Please make it stop. Please make it stop._

But Gold wouldn’t stop. Killian became aware that he finished at some point, but after a few moments of enjoying his high, he just kept going.

By the time Gold was done for good, Killian had no idea how many times he’d come inside him. He could even swear he’d blacked out at some point.

With a long sigh, Gold pulled back, a popping sound accompanying the feeling of a warm liquid running down Killian’s buttocks. He couldn’t even whimper.

Gold stood up and dressed, ogling Killian’s body as he did. With a wave of his hand, the ropes around Killian’s wrists and ankles disappeared. “Get up,” he said.

Killian hadn’t moved at all for some time now. He stayed there, stretched out as he was, too weak and almost numb to move.

“Get up!” Gold said again, and Killian heard him, but he couldn’t oblige. What did he want with him now?!

Suddenly, he felt something cold appear around his neck, and then he was dragged in a sitting position. He hissed at the pressure on his ass, but tried to concentrate enough to realize what had happened. Gold was holding a piece of chain on his hand, a chain that connected his hand to a collar around Killian’s neck. Killian whimpered and tried to pry the collar off with his hand.

“No use in that, dearie. Now are you gonna stand up on your own or do I have to drag you to the bathroom?”

Killian felt a surge of fury burn through him, and if he judged by the tiniest of reactions on Gold’s face, he must have also looked the part. But Gold yanked at the chain again, and Killian reluctantly threw his feet off the bed and stood up. He whined softly while doing so, the residual pain on his hips too much to simply ignore.

“Good dog,” Gold said and walked to the bathroom, dragging the chain with him. Killian followed him silently, hating the fact that he felt glad he was only slightly limping. “Now wash yourself,” Gold said and dropped the chain, then walked back into the bedroom without closing the door.

Killian’s knees were shaking while he took off his vest, shirt and brace and stepped into the shower. The collar and the chain were still attached to him and the latter made a clinging sound wherever it moved on the floor.

A myriad of thoughts ran through Killian’s mind as he washed the filth from his body.

What was Gold doing? How was he going to cover all this up? How was he going to shut him up? Was he… was he going to threaten him with something? Was he going to threaten Emma?

“No, please,” he whispered to himself as he leaned on the shower wall. He stayed there for a few moments, desperately hoping the hot water would help relax his trembling body, until the chain was yanked again, and Killian nearly lost his balance from the sudden force.

“Are you done?” Gold asked and Killian turned to look, unsurprised to see the other end of the chain in his hand.

“No. Give me some time,” Killian tried.

“I didn’t ask you to prep for surgery,” Gold said. “And I don’t have all morning, that’s enough.” With another wave of his hand, the water stopped running, and then he yanked at the chain again. Killian reluctantly stumbled after him out to the bedroom, dripping with water. Only water, hopefully.

“Don’t move,” Gold said and made the collar and the chain go away. He started inspecting Killian’s neck, then his wrists and ankles, and finally he walked behind Killian’s back. Killian looked over his shoulder at him.

“What the blazes are you doing?”

“Checking for bruises. Can’t have you waking up and finding traces of what happened tonight.”

“What?”

Gold didn’t answer, he simply waved his hand again and Killian felt all dry. With another wave, Killian’s clothes were carefully placed on the same armchair he’d thrown his coat earlier.

“Would that be how you’d expect to find your clothes upon waking up?”

Had he been a little less in residual shock, Killian would have had second thoughts about it, but instead replied with the truth. “Yes.”

“Good. Now drink.” He magicked Killian’s flask in his hand and offered it to him.

“What?” Killian said, too confused and by now too tired.

“Drink. Some deep gulps. On the house,” he said and all but brought the flask to Killian’s lips.

If he were honest, Killian needed the drink right now, so he downed a few good gulps, already feeling his head go dizzy.

“Good boy. Now lie down and sleep, it’s almost sunrise.”

Killian looked tiredly towards the window, and truly, there were a few pieces of a lighter blue on the horizon.

“What are you doing? What will you do to me?” Killian said, lying down under the now clean, as he noticed, covers.

Gold said nothing, he just poofed a strange object in his hand. It looked like a round twig, with thread weaved around its center, and some feathers were hanging off of it, tied with thread too.

“Go to sleep,” Gold said as the object was suddenly illuminated in yellow light.

* * *

It had felt like an eternity, but Killian was certain no actual time had passed since the moment he’d activated the dreamcatcher. If it had, it must have been mere seconds, like that time Zelena had shown him the dreamcatcher from Camelot.

It was like it was happening all over again, and all the emotions from that memory came crushing down on him. The shame, the humiliation, the fury… and Gold had got away with everything. All those dreamcatchers were Gold doing this to him again and again, violating him and ripping him apart and only getting away because Killian himself didn’t remember any of it happening…

He pushed himself off the chair, running to the sink and throwing up. Tears stung at his eyes and he clenched his hand into a fist, pushing it against his chest.

It was just this one dreamcatcher… how could he get through all of them?

“Killian?” he heard Emma’s voice say before he heard her footsteps on the stairs. He didn’t turn to look at her, however, and he felt she kept her distance, probably not even stepping into the kitchen.

“You watched it, didn’t you?”

He took a few breaths, struggling to just utter this one word. “Yes.” He took his hand away from his chest and turned on the tap, washing away the remains of his vomit.

“I’m so sorry, Killian. Do you want to be alone?” Her voice sounded very uncertain.

“I don’t know.” He couldn’t turn around. He couldn’t face her now. “I don’t…” A lone sob escaped him, and he brought his hand in his hair, grabbing at it and pulling. He then felt a hand on his shoulder, and without thinking he turned and wrapped his arms around her.

“I’m sorry,” Emma said again as she hugged him tight.

“He made me forget everything… just to get away with it…”

She didn’t reply. She let him cry on her shoulder without saying anything, and he was so grateful for that.

He said he wanted to watch all of them, he _had_ to. But he was now too scared to see what the other dreamcatchers contained.


	2. 6x09

He had no idea how it happened. One moment he was walking down the street, coming back from the nunnery where Belle rested, the next he found himself inside Gold's pawnshop, facing its owner no less.

"You did this," Gold said and stretched out his arm, starting to choke him with magic.

Killian tried to move away, the now familiar feeling of invisible fingers around his neck nearly freezing him in place.

"You helped her, and you let her give my son away!" Gold said and moved his arm, and Killian flew towards the wall, crashing on a glass case and bits of glass scraping his cheek and arm.

Before he could take a breath, Gold was next to him, this time lifting him with his own arms and starting to choke him with his bare hand. Killian looked at him, and the murderous intent clearly written on the Crocodile's face wouldn't have been a hindrance once, but now, knowing what he had to live for, he actually feared being killed - again.

"You don't even just deserve death," Gold whispered. "You deserve something far more painful." Gold then grabbed him from the collar of his jacket and pushed him forward, forcing him to bend over the counter.

Killian took in a ragged breath and struggled to move away. He could barely understand what was going on, Gold moved that fast. He screamed, however, when he felt Gold pull down his pants and fully expose his backside. He started moving frantically, trying to find any way to escape but he couldn't move fast enough before he felt something hard slam inside him. He screamed again, but despite his best efforts his body gave up on him. For a few moments, all he could register was leaning on the counter, arms hanging off the edge of the counter, slack like a forgotten puppet's, Gold breathing hard behind him and moving inside him. The only thing he could do was whimper in agony.

When he finally took back control over his body, he realized there was something keeping his arms in place. Something magical, he presumed, but couldn't see. Gold had a powerful hold on Killian's hips, forcing them to move with the same rhythm he moved his dick inside him. Killian tried to move, but his immobilized arms and the agony on his backside didn't allow him much. He could feel a pool of tears gathering under his scraped cheek, which was nearly being pushed against the counter. He wondered if he should scream; he should call for help, but something told him Gold had already taken care of that.

Gold picked up on his speed, and Killian started almost involuntarily whimpering more with how Gold's efforts were shaking him whole. The force from his ass travelled up his spine and he started flailing on the counter like a fish on land. He could still hear Gold's heavy breaths, which were now being replaced by moans of pleasure, more and more until Gold was nearly screaming in ecstasy.

Killian's head was now constantly hitting the counter, and it was then he wondered what Gold meant before. Was he going to kill him like this? The pain and the fear stared overwhelming him, and as if the whole torture wasn't enough, he felt the muscles on his lower belly relax and his bladder started emptying itself right there. Instinctively, Killian clenched his muscles but it only lead to more pain, as it didn't deter Gold from moving his dick inside his hole still.

It was then Killian started screaming, matching his voice with Gold's. It was then he realized no-one was coming to help him.

For some time, and he couldn't be sure how long that was, everything was just a blur of agony and mortification. The next thing he remembered was Gold pulling away, causing everything - blood, cum, shit - to run down Killian's thighs. Not that it would go much, as Killian collapsed on the floor, squirming and crying and struggling to make himself as small as possible.

He couldn't close his eyes. He saw Gold lean on the counter, panting, dick still erect and dripping with cum and blood. Dripping on _him_.

A few moments later, Gold buttoned his pants and grabbed Killian's jacket, dragging him across the floor to the main counter. Killian only whimpered, too weak for any other response. He saw Gold stare at him angrily, but less so now that before.

"You deserve to die," he said. "You deserve to be left here to die like this, exposed, bleeding, raped. You deserve to be raped in _public_. But you're one of the ''heroes'' now. I can't punish you for your crimes without me becoming the bad guy, see? And if I've hated having to heal you before, I now hate _myself_ for doing so instead of killing you." He moved his hand over him, and Killian suddenly felt all the pain go away.

He was clean, dressed, even the scrapes on his face from the glass had gone away. He stood quickly, wondering if he should make it for the door and scream for help. But obviously Gold had a plan; he wouldn't let him go away like this. He then saw Gold poof a dreamcatcher in his hand, and everything made sense.

"No, no, no," Killian said and stepped back, but the dreamcatcher was already being lit with magic.

~

 _No_.

That was Killian's first thought when the memory ended, and he doubted it wasn't the same every time he'd see the cursed object appear to mess with his mind.

He blinked and sighed, setting the dreamcatcher on the table as the tears starting flowing. He wouldn't cry now. If he did so every time he watched one of them, how could he make it to watch them all? But this time it wasn't just the rape he was thinking of. Gold said he'd hated every time he'd had to heal him. In the first memory, things weren't so... necessary of magical healing. Killian remembered waking up and just feeling a bit sore, but he'd contributed that to having drunk a lot the night before. Were... were the other memories that violent that Gold, of all people, had to heal him to cover it up?

He'd used him like an object, like a toy, breaking him apart, fixing him enough to appear normal, then breaking him apart, over and over again.

And then he'd kept his memories like this, not only as a souvenir, but as a way to _rewatch_ that memory.

Thoughts started plaguing his mind then. What did he do with them? Did he watch them when he was bored? When he was just in the mood? Was he jerking off with them? Were they an inspiration to find him and rape him again and create yet another memory to add to his collection?

Bloody hell...

He started doubting the usefulness of his effort again. He would never get an answer to these questions. He would never get justice. It was only a self-imposed need to know, and maybe even residual self-loathing that were pushing him forward. And right now, he didn't know if he'd made the right choice to sneak out of bed in the middle of the night to avoid having Emma over his head. She'd said she wanted to be there for him, but some things... he just needed to do alone.

Maybe he'd find it in him to trust her with those memories, at some point. Maybe he'd even find the strength to let her watch one with him...

But for now he knew it was just him, on his own, realizing the horrors he'd endured.


	3. 3x02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter contains nonconsensual use of sex pollen.

Sleeping in Neverland had never been easy for him. At least, when he was sleeping in his ship, her gentle rocking sometimes helped him doze off. Here, a mere blanket the only thing that was separating him from the hard, muddy ground, he was reminded too much of times he didn't have all that much.

And to top it all, there were the children crying.

With a huff, he threw the blanket off him and stood up. He ignored David's quizzical look, only gesturing with his hand and hoping that would shut him up.

It did, and David went back to standing guard. It almost shocked Hook, how easily David didn't care. But why should he expect anything more?

With one last glance at Emma's sleeping form, he stepped into the woods surrounding them. The air was thicker the more trees one was surrounded by, but at least now he had a moment to himself and all the horrible memories that accompanied being in this place. He leaned into a tree and closed his eyes.

"Well, look who's come out to play."

His body froze, too many memories of Pan sneaking up on him like that, quiet, playful. But this wasn't Pan's voice, he realized. He turned and Rumpelstiltskin, Mr. Gold, was coming out of the trees.

"Crocodile," Hook said. "Didn't imagine you'd join us again so soon. Hoped you got lost or trapped somewhere," he added with a sneer, pushing himself off the tree.

Gold was simply looking at him, a light smile on his face. He didn't respond, and his stare started to creep Hook out.

"So you're just gonna stand there and-"

"Follow me," Gold said and turned back where he came from.

"Now why would I do that?" Hook said, but Gold had already disappeared behind the trees. Hook grunted in frustration. He was still tired; he had no time for games, but what could Gold do anyway? David had probably heard them talking, and any of the others were probably ready to spring to action as soon as they heard a shout.

Hook checked his cutlass was in place and followed after the other man. He pushed branches and leaves away, and he soon found himself in a small clearing, standing next to Gold. On the opposite edge of the clearing, there was a shrubbery with peculiar red flowers on it. Flowers he'd never seen before in all his centuries on this cursed island.

"Aren't they beautiful?" Gold said, picking up one and examining it.

"What are they?"

"People call it _il-cilme_."

 _No-choice_. He furrowed his eyebrows. "Sounds ominous," he said nonchalantly.

He took a step back when Gold took a step towards him. Something told him he shouldn't be close to a flower named like that.

"From the look on your face, I'd reckon you know what the name means. But I'd be surprised to know a pirate like you knows a language as intricate and rich as Elvish."

Gold kept walking towards him, so Hook took out his cutlass and pointed it at him. "The others are resting a few feet away. If you take one more step towards me, I'll scream, and you'll have nowhere to hide."

"Do it, then. Scream," Gold said, the flower in his hand and a possessive smile on his face.

"Swan! David! Gold is-" Hook started, but he was cut off by the feeling of vines appearing from the ground and wrapping around his feet, keeping him in place. "David!" he shouted again.

"Scream again," Gold said, walking up to him, now dangerously close.

"David! Emma! Help!" No response was coming, though. Hook started to panic. What was this flower doing? And what did Gold want of him? Hook swinged his cutlass towards him, but with a simple flick of Gold's wrist, it was sent flying towards a nearby tree, dropping uselessly on the ground.

"Relax and enjoy it," Gold said and blew on the flower.

Hook's blood froze as he watched a small cloud of red dust fly towards his face. He tried to move away and covered his nose and mouth with his hand, but the cloud seeped through. A sweet, honey-like scent entered his nostrils, and he quickly felt his blood get warmer, his cheeks go red and his cock start to get hard with want.

He grunted in pleasure, and the vines around his feet disappeared. "What the hell?" he said.

" _Il-clime_ ," Gold said, throwing the now wilted flower away, "... more commonly known as sex pollen."

Oh, hell no.

"So what now? You drugged me because you wanted to bed me? All you had to do was ask," Hook said with a cocky grin, but the more time passed, the harder his cock felt and the faster his breathing became.

"Oh, but this is much more fun," Gold said and touched Hook's cheek. Hook almost flinched away in disgust, but he couldn't resist how good it felt, to be touched now. "Because if I asked, you wouldn't have agreed to everything I want to do to you."

"What do you want to do to me?" He didn't know whether he asked out of fear or out of excitement.

 _Oh no_...

"I want to rip you apart. I want to fuck you until you cry, play with you and keep you on edge until you scream for release, until you're ready to die unless you come."

It was right then that the pollen took full effect. "Yes, Mr. Gold. Please."

"Please what?"

"Fuck me, sir. Rip me apart." He leaned into Gold's touch, but whimpered when Gold retrieved his hand.

Gold laughed. "You thought I'd do it because you're asking me to?"

"I'm not asking," Hook said, dropping on his knees. "I'm begging you-" he said, a whimper full of need interrupting him. "I'm begging you, sir. Fuck me."

"Strip, you whore," Gold said.

"Yes, sir. Anything you want, sir."

"Don't talk. Just strip."

Hook stood up, and almost ripped his clothes apart in his effort to take them off as fast as possible. He took his pants off last, exposing his hard, almost leaking cock.

Gold looked at him, up and down, and Hook couldn't stop a whimper at how hot his stare made him feel. Gold approached him, and Hook gasped in excitement when he saw Gold's hand reach for his cock, but then screamed when Gold grabbed it hard, pushing his fingernails on the tender flesh.

"Do you like it, whore? Do you like this pain?"

"Yes, sir," Hook said between gasps. "Please, hurt me more."

And he did. Gold squeezed harder, nearly dug his nails into flesh, and Hook felt so ready to come he believed it would all spurt out simply from the pressure on it. Then Gold let him go, and Hook fell on his knees again, half in pain, half in despair.

"Please, sir," he said in a broken voice. "Please fuck me, I need it."

"You need it? What do you need me to do to you?"

Hook smiled innocently. "Stick your cock in me, sir. Make me bleed. Make me cry. Please, I need you. I need your cock inside me," he said, extending his arms to him.

Gold shook his head. "And why do you deserve me sticking my cock in your filthy ass?"

Hook dropped his head, feeling desperate tears in his eyes. The need was so big he felt it could kill him. "Please sir, please. I'll be a good boy." He whipped his head up again. "You want me to be your dog? You want to tie me up? Put a collar on my neck? Will I deserve your cock in my ass then? I'll be your good dog, please, sir..."

Gold kicked him on the shoulder, making him fall on his back on the dirty floor. Hook gasped, thrusting his hips into the air. He _needed_ him. _Right now_.

"You will shut up and you'll watch."

Hook nodded frantically and moved his head to look at him. Gold dropped his pants and exposed his hard cock. Hook thrusted up again, he was so excited to have that big hard cock inside him!

"Tell me, pirate, are you my slut?" Gold said as he grabbed his cock and started rubbing.

"Yes, sir. I am everything you want me to be," Hook said, sitting up. "I am your dog, your pet, your whore." Hook sighed heavily, breathing hard before adding, "Your slut. Everything you want." He raised on his knees and moved his hand towards Gold's cock. "Please sir, let me make you feel good, I need-"

Gold kicked him again, pushing him down again. "Stay down, dog!"

Hook groaned in pleasure, fearing he'd come right there and then. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir."

"No 'sir'. Call me 'Master'."

Hook smiled, feeling his cock twitch in happiness as well. "Yes, Master."

"You'll do as I say. Say it."

"I will do as you say."

Gold kicked him.

"I will do as you say, Master," Hook amended. "I'm sorry, Master."

Gold stayed there then, rubbing, bringing himself to ecstasy, and all Hook could do was helplessly watch and hope, pray that Gold would stick that beautiful cock in him soon.

He needed it so much. He needed it like air.

"Please, Master," he whispered, but Gold's groans were too loud for him to hear.

Hook wanted to cry now. He needed it so much it almost pained him to not have it inside him. He felt tears in his eyes as he kept watching Gold please himself on his own.

"Please..." he barely made it out this time, he felt like he couldn't even talk.

Then Gold came over Hook's naked body, his release landing on his torso and on the ground around him. Hook screamed in despair. The release... he needed it inside him. He tried to lick it from his chest, but his tongue couldn't reach, so he bent over and licked the release from the dirt.

A boot then collided with his face. Hook grunted, but his hips still thrusted forward, his leaking cock hitting hard on the dirt.

"Did I say you're allowed to lick it?"

"No, Master. I'm sorry, Master."

"Beg me to lick it, you filth."

"Please, Master, I beg of you," Hook said, supporting himself on his arms, head bent down. "I beg of you, allow me to lick your release."

"Why do you want to lick it?"

"I need it, Master. I need you inside me or I'll die."

"Where will you lick it from?"

"From the dirt, Master."

"You're allowed to lick it."

"Thank you, Master," Hook said as he buried his face in the ground, licking his Master's sweet release. "Thank you, Master," he said again as he kept licking, his mouth starting to fill with dirt. He knew Gold was watching him lick it, and it made him so much more hard he thought he'd die.

"You are my slut, say it."

"I am your slut."

Gold kicked him in the face again.

"I am your slut, Master."

"Do you want me to fuck you now?"

"Yes. Yes, sir-Master. Please, Master, fuck me, I need it."

Gold laughed, and Hook felt himself break at how it felt like he was mocking him. He was going to die unless Gold fucked him. "Why would I fuck such a filth like you? You're so desperate you just ate dirt." Gold said and knelt down next to him.

"Please, Master, please, I'll be good. I needed you inside me, that's why I ate your release. Not the dirt. Just your sweet release."

Gold shook his head. "My cock deserves better holes than yours."

Hook shook his head in response, frantically. "Please, Master. I'll do anything for my hole to deserve your cock."

Gold grabbed Hook's chin hard and spat at his face. Hook whimpered, trying to lick his spit. "Look at you. How desperate, how pathetic. Your ass will never be worthy of my cock."

"Rape me, then," Hook said.

"What?"

"Rape me, Master, please. Make me scream, make me bleed. Don't take pity on me. Kill me if you have to, but please, _please_ , rape me."

Gold shivered. "Say that again."

"Rape me, Master. Make m-me scream..." Hook's voice was failing him. He wanted that now. He wanted to be raped, he wanted to bleed, to scream in pain. He screamed now, at how those thoughts made him even harder. He thrust into the air again. "Rape me, Master, please. I want- I need you to rape me. If you don't rape me I'll die."

Gold closed his eyes. He let go of Hook's chin, only to grab his hair and then wrap his free hand around his own cock again, rubbing. "Say that again."

"R-r-rape m-me, Master. M-make me scream. Kill-kill me if you-you have to. Please, M-Master. I need you to-to rape me." It took all of Hook's strength to say those things aloud without a promise of them happening.

Gold rubbed faster. "Again."

Hook's tears spilled, the pain of want almost now an agony. "R-rape me, Master. Hurt me. I need you to-to rape me, Master, I _beg_ of you!" The last words were mixed with a scream of agony. Gold let go of his hair and Hook collapsed in front of him, squirming, crying, hips thrusting into the hard mud. "Rape me, Master. Please rape me, Master."

Gold screamed above him, and Hook felt his release land on him. Licking it now wouldn't even calm down his need to be raped. But if Gold didn't rape him, he'd die, and he wanted as much of him as possible.

"Please, Master," Hook whimpered, "allow me to lick your release again."

"Lick it, whore."

Hook moved, trembling whole, and licked all of Gold's release from his body and the ground around him. It didn't do anything. He needed to be raped _right_ now.

"You want me to rape you?" Gold asked, leaning over him.

Hook sobbed. "Yes, Master."

"Why do you want me to rape you?"

"Because I need you," he said, sniffling. "And I don't deserve you, Master. You deserve better than fucking my hole. So please, rape me."

Gold grabbed hard at Hook's hair, forcing him to look at him. Hook screamed, looking at him through his tears, and thrusted again against the ground, ignoring the actual growing pain on his cock.

"I will rape you now," Gold said, and Hook smiled broadly, exposing his mud-stained teeth. "And I will rub your cock until you fucking scream, until you scream for release. And I will not let you come. You are _not_ allowed to come, understand, filth?"

"Yes, Master. Yes. Anything for you to rape me, Master."

Gold then let go of his hair, and pushed Hook to stand on all four. Without a warning, without a word, he entered him, and Hook screamed. The Master was finally inside him! And it hurt, it hurt so much, and Hook felt so free.

"Does it hurt, filth?"

"Yes, Master."

Gold thrusted.

"Does it hurt a lot?"

"No, Master."

"You want it to hurt a lot?"

"Yes, Master. Please, hurt me, kill me if you have to."

Gold then thrusted harder, so hard Hook thought he'd rip him apart. Tears and snot were now flowing rapidly, and he was shaking whole from the pain.

Gold kept on. "Do you like it like this?"

"Y-yes, Master. Th-thank you."

Gold slapped Hook's ass. "Thank me for what?"

"Thank you for-for raping me, Master," Hook said in a trembling voice. "Thank you."

Gold sighed behind him, and Hook was finally feeling better now. But something was missing...

"Master," he whimpered between cries of pain.

Gold kept thrusting with the same force. "What do you want?"

"You-you told me that-that you'll t-touch me."

"You don't deserve me to touch you."

"Please, Master. Do what you-you want, don't let me come if you want. Just touch me."

"Will you beg me for release? Will you beg for death by the end of it?"

"Yes, Master. I'll-I'll beg for death."

"You're my good dirty slut, Hook, say it."

"I'm your-your good dirty slut, M-Master."

Then Gold wrapped his hand around Hook's starved, leaking cock, and Hook screamed, both in pain and ecstasy.

"You're not allowed to come, whore."

"Y-yes, Master," Hook said and screamed again.

Gold kept on going so hard for so long Hook felt his own blood run down his thighs, and he felt his cock was going to explode from need. He hadn't stopped crying or shaking, starting to feel exhausted - oh no. He couldn't sleep while Master was raping him. He had to stay awake, so he focused on Master's hard cock inside him and the need on his own cock.

"Let me come, Master."

"No."

"Please, Master," Hook said in a broken voice, "if I don't come I'll die."

"Will you die for me, my whore?"

"Yes, Master."

"Yes what, whore?"

"I will- I will die for you, Master."

"Good whore."

Gold kept on without talking then, just kept thrusting into him, making him bleed, making him scream. And Hook wanted it. His cock responded to every single excruciating thrust. With every one, he feared he was going to come, but Master kept him under control.

"Kill me, Master," Hook said finally.

"Why, whore?"

"I need release, Master. I need it or I'll die."

Gold didn't reply, as he came right then, and Hook screamed. Master's release - it was inside him! Hook dropped his head on the ground, panting, crying, sobbing. His whole body hurt, and his cock ached. Then Gold kept going again, and Hook thrust back, allowing his Master a better entrance into his hole.

And then, as slowly as the flower's effects came, they disappeared in one single second and Hook gasped. He found himself crouching on the ground, crying, dirty, with Gold behind him, raping him.

"Crocodile," he whispered.

"Welcome back, Captain. Or shall I say my dirty whore?"

"No! No, let me go!" Hook screamed, but it was no use. Vines appeared again from the ground and wrapped around his arms and legs, keeping him in place as Gold kept thrusting violently inside him.

"Beg me for release, my whore."

"No!" Hook said, but it was then he realized how much his cock was aching for release. He looked at it, hanging hard between his legs, leaking with need.

"Beg for death, then. You said you would."

"No!" Hook said, but he knew it. He remembered everything.

"Such a nice little whore you are, when you allow yourself to be one."

"Stop," Hook breathed, too weak to speak.

"Why, I bet the many women you like to boast you've fucked were the ones who controlled you in bed. I bet they're the ones who dominated over you. And you need one, don't you? Someone to control you, to dominate over you, to order you around like a _dog_..."

"No!" Hook screamed. "Shut up!"

No, no, this wasn't happening.

But Gold just laughed, and moaned in pleasure, and kept raping him bloody until he came again. He pulled away and let him go, and Hook collapsed on the dirty jungle floor, completely broken. His traitorous cock was still harder than ever, begging for release, and he could barely control his hips before they started thrusting against the mud, hurting his crotch even more.

"Look at you, how pathetic," Gold said. "You were just humiliated, nearly raped to death by the man you hate more than anyone in the world, and all your slutty cock wants is some pitiful release."

Hook didn't speak. He didn't have the strength - neither mental nor physical - to do so. He just whimpered in pain, painful breath after painful breath.

And his cock still ached.

"Come, whore," Gold said and grabbed Hook by the hair. Hook only had the strength to whimper as he was dragged across the jungle floor. Gold then dropped him next to a tree and leaned right over his face. "It's such a shame you'll forget all of this," he said, making an object appear in his hand with magic. Hook was too exhausted, eyes too full of tears to see what exactly it was. "But at least I won't, ever. And I promise you, I'm gonna jerk off to this memory until the damn dreamcatcher falls apart in my hands."

Gold then moved his hand, and Hook felt his whole body freeze. He couldn't move, nor speak, he couldn't even blink. Gold kept moving his hand around, and Hook felt all the pain go away, except for the ache in his cock.

"I know, I know, cruel of me, but it'll be fun, won't it? Imagine David finding you like this," he said and Hook looked down. He had his clothes back, but his erection was perfectly visible from under his leather pants. "Oh, and one last thing before you forget," Gold said, and dug into Hook's jacket pockets, retrieving his flask. "Forging evidence," he said with a sneer and put the flask on Hook's hand. Gold stood up then and examined Hook up and down, as if checking for anything he'd missed. "All right then. Sweet dreams, my dirty little whore. Until next time, I'll cherish this memory you provided for me, and maybe even after that."

The strange object then shined in a bright light, and Hook closed his eyes, exhausted.

* * *

Killian stayed for a few moments, mouth agape, looking at the dreamcatcher, the memory not replaying itself anymore. He couldn't think. It was like he was feeling all the mental exhaustion and humiliation the past he had felt at the end of the memory.

But there was something else that was leftover from that, if the stretch under his pants meant anything. He dropped the dreamcatcher, feeling mortified. No, no. He couldn't do this now. He couldn't... yet it felt like he was in pain. He grunted and leaned forward, letting his forehead rest on the table. He wrapped his arms around his chest and tried to ignore it, but it was too strong.

He whimpered. Even from beyond the grave, that bastard had a way of ruining his life. Tears stung at his eyes as he stood up abruptly, nearly making the chair fall back. He ran for the downstairs bathroom, locked the door, and lowered his pants. His cock was all hard, pulsating, and leaking. His tears fell when he wrapped his hand around it and started rubbing.

 _Mine_ , he thought. _Not his, not anyone else's, not now, not ever._

He was all-out crying when he was done. With a shaky hand he cleaned himself, dressed up and sat down on the bathroom floor, sobbing.

He remembered waking up after that. David had stood up, found him sleeping with his near-empty flask in his hand and a full erection, and woken him up with a kick to the ribs, quietly telling him to "cool off" before he exposed him to everyone else... He'd thought nothing at the time, he'd simply stood up and jerked off at a corner, thinking of Emma.

And now that simple memory would be forever tainted. How would he face Emma now? Only three memories in, and Killian was starting to get terrified at that man's perverted mind. Sex pollen... and he'd turned into _that_ , and Gold took complete advantage of him, and then kept the memory and _cherished_ it...

Killian stood up, ran back to the kitchen and picked up the box with the rest of the dreamcatchers. He checked them all, one by one, comparing them to that last one... he was fairly certain that that last dreamcatcher seemed to be more worn out. The wood didn't look all that shiny, a couple of feathers seemed to be missing, even the thread looked shabby in pieces...

Killian sat down on the floor next to the box, staring at the dreamcatcher. Gold had made good on his promise; he _had_ watched that one many, many times. He'd probably enjoyed it that much. Killian felt more tears gather in his eyes as he turned to look at the other dreamcatchers, checking for similar signs of wear. Had Gold used that flower again? Or anything similar?

He had to know. He had to know now. He was about to pick up another one when he heard footsteps from the stairs. He looked up, terrified as if he'd been caught stealing, and saw Emma with a sleepy but cautious look on her face. She approached slowly, crouching down next to him.

"How many did you watch?" She didn't sound to be judging him.

He swallowed hard, looking down at the dreamcatcher he still held. "Two."

"Come back to bed."

"No, I need to watch them!"

"Killian, I don't want to pressure you. But you look terrible - how long have you been crying?"

He looked up at her, realizing there were still tear tracks on his cheeks. He sniffled.

"You can keep watching tomorrow. Just, please, come and try to sleep."

He let out a laugh completely void of mirth. "How could I sleep now? I'll close my eyes and I'll see him."

"It won't get any better if you bombard yourself with those memories."

She had a point, he had to admit. He looked in her eyes, and a wave of mortification washed over him when he remembered what he'd just done.

She must have seen it on his face. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "I can't sleep with you tonight." How could he after what he'd done?

"No. You're not going to punish yourself now."

"Emma-"

"None of these were your fault."

_But jerking off to the most horrible one yet was._

"And whatever Gold might have _forced_ you to do, isn't your fault either. I know you need someone to blame, and the one who deserves it is not here to answer for it, but of all people, it shouldn't be you."

More tears ran from his eyes, and she brought her hand up to wipe them away. He let her, a sudden warmth feeling his chest knowing that he didn't want to push her away.

"Don't feel ashamed. If I'd been ashamed of you, I wouldn't have told you about the dreamcatchers in the first place."

He let out a trembling sigh. "It's... it's hard."

She touched his hand. "I know. But it might be harder if you push me away. If you really feel you need to, just tell me... but don't punish yourself."

He gave her a watery smile. She could truly read him.

"Can I hug you?" she said.

He was surprised to nod. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him rest on her shoulder, and this time he didn't have the impulse to destroy the moment by crying again, so he simply hugged her back.

He slept next to her that night, and she was there for every nightmare that plagued him.


	4. 4x04

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this chapter will have a short focus on Gold as an adulterer.

_I think you and I are gonna have some fun._

Killian looked at the man smiling in front of him. He could feel his blood boil with rage, and if he were honest, a bit of shame too.

"You orchestrated this from the very beginning," Killian said. "You manipulated me into this."

Gold laughed. "You brought this upon yourself, dearie. I only took advantage of your weakness. Of your willingness to be a good boy for Ms. Swan..." He then lowered his eyes, and put his hands on Killian's arms.

Killian flinched away. "That's enough," he said and turned to leave.

"It'll be enough when I say it's enough," Gold replied.

Killian tried to ignore him, but everything he'd said was having an effect on him. He walked to the curtain leading to the front part of the shop, but as he pushed it away he was met with a brick wall.

"What?" Killian said. He then felt a hand grab at his hair, and biting down a grunt, he tried to turn and grab Gold's hand back. But as he did, another hand wrapped around his now only hand and pushed him against the brick wall.

"And I want something else from you right now," Gold whispered in his ear, chilling his blood.

"Let go of me!" Killian said and swung his hook backwards, but failed to find anything to hit. Gold pulled at his hair and a grunt escaped from Killian's lips.

"Oh shush now, be a good boy," Gold said and let go of his hand. He then put his free hand on Killian's shoulder, and with both hands he started pushing him to the floor.

"What are you doing, Dark One? Let me go!" His breath went faster; it wasn't the first time someone tried to force him to his knees, and Killian knew only two reasons why someone would do that. Something told him Gold didn't want him to mop the floor right now.

"Don't worry now, it'll be fast and easy, if you cooperate."

Killian was still resisting, still standing up, supporting himself on the wall. "Of course you'd call that cooperation. Anything that benefits you, no matter how I may not want it."

"I don't care what you want, pirate," Gold said in a cold tone. "But right now I'd rather not fuck you in the ass, but if you keep resisting, I'll have to choose that option."

"Far it be from me to force you to rape me," Killian said.

"Mm. I see you're taking it exceptionally well, then."

"Let go of me now, and no-one has to know. I won't tell anyone," Killian bartered, hoping Gold wouldn't catch the lie.

"Of course you will, pirate. You'll run to Ms. Swan with your tail between your legs, crying about how cruel and sadistic I am," Gold said and pulled harder at his hair. "But why let you go and have you tell, when I can have the cake and eat it too?"

"What makes you think I won't tell?"

"Magic," Gold said in an eerie whisper, and bit down a bit on Killian's ear. "It can work wonders on people's memories."

Killian shivered. "You can't make me forget this, Crocodile."

"Why not? I've done it before."

"Not to me."

"Yes, to you," Gold said and kissed Killian's neck. Killian yelled in disgust, trying to move away.

"No. You're lying."

Gold laughed against Killian's skin. "I'm not. I'm sure you've enjoyed being raped by me as much as you enjoyed being raped by my father."

Killian's blood froze. He froze whole, and that was enough for Gold to finally push him to his knees. "What?" Killian managed.

"Yes," Gold said, satisfied, and walked to stand in front of him, the brick wall now gone. "You told me about it, a few days ago. Just before I put my dick in your ass."

"No!" Killian said and tried to move, but found that he was frozen in place. He couldn't move his legs and arms, he could barely even move his head. "You're lying, Dark One."

Gold smiled. "Believing it didn't happen won't undo the fact. Don't you remember waking up sore? Stark naked? Feeling you'd drunk more than you remember?"

Killian swallowed hard, lips trembling.

Gold sighed deeply. "Yes. That was because of me. Because I held back, and didn't rape you bloody like other times," Gold said as he run his hands through Killian's hair, "like _you deserved_..." he added and pulled hard, "and only because I'm sick of healing you every time just because people trust you now." Gold leaned down, pulling at Killian's hair and forcing him to look up at him. "You don't deserve their trust, and you never will. I don't even understand how you fooled them into trusting you."

"I didn't fool them. I changed," Killian said. "Unlike you."

Gold spat at his face, and Killian cringed, but he couldn't move away. Then Gold smiled. "One thing hasn't changed, though. Oh, if only you'd known everything I've done to you," he said and let go. He stood straight and started unbuttoning his pants.

Killian closed his eyes. No, he was lying. This couldn't have happened. It couldn't. He was just... Gold might have noticed how Killian had been a little stiff in the morning and decided to toy with him. And he didn't doubt Pan wouldn't have boasted at his son about what he'd done to Killian...

But how did Gold know that he'd woken up naked, without remembering falling asleep that way?

Gold sighed deeply again, almost moaning. "Perhaps I'll have to keep reminding you of what I've been doing to you. Your face, as you try to put the pieces together and realize that you've been raped before..." He then groaned.

Killian opened his eyes, regretting it immediately as his face was right in front of Gold's pulsating erection.

"I'll need to look upon that face again. That face of devastation and helplessness..." He grabbed a fistful of Killian's hair again. "Perhaps I'll have you watch one of those memories some time. I'd like to see you break down realizing how it's all real. Now open your mouth."

Killian flinched and tried to move away, but his magically frozen body and Gold's grasp on his hair were too strong. He kept his mouth firmly closed, but that didn't stop Gold from moving forward anyway, rubbing his hard length on Killian's face. Killian closed his eyes, feeling his stomach turn in disgust, but he didn't move.

"I can do this all day," Gold said. "The more you'll keep your mouth closed, the more I'll rub my cock on your face. I may even come on your face, would you like that?" he said and thrusted forward, pushing the side of his member hard against Killian's face.

Killian groaned through his nose and grit his teeth. Gold would grow impatient at some point. He couldn't keep him there forever. He might end up having to rape him from behind... but if Killian were honest, he'd prefer that over giving in and blowing him by choice.

Gold surprised him though; he seemed to enjoy rubbing himself on Killian's face, as disgusted as it made Killian. He even pushed Killian's head to lean backwards and dragged his balls across his face, but Killian didn't give in. Gold kept going until Killian felt the pre-cum Gold's cock started leaving on his face.

"Open your mouth," Gold said.

Killian shook his head slightly. "Mm-hmm," he murmured.

"Open it, or I'll come all over your face."

Killian didn't budge, eyes still closed. Gold was panting by now, making short groans here and there, but Killian was caught completely by surprise when he felt the spurt of Gold's release all over his face. Killian groaned from his nose in disgust, but he couldn't move at all as he felt it run down his face and drip down to the floor.

He wanted to scream.

Gold just sighed. "You fucking pirate." Killian then felt fingers slip through his lips and trying to force his jaw open. "So stubborn you'll humiliate yourself all the way if it means you'll protect your precious defiance." He kept pushing, but Killian clenched his jaw as hard as he could. "If only you let yourself enjoy it once, but no."

Killian heard a whoosh of magic then, and his mouth opened wide. He opened his eyes too, only to see Gold's cock prepare to enter his mouth, and he only managed a no-sounding moan before it did, going all the way down to his throat. Instinctively, he bit down on it, but it only felt like he was biting down on rock.

Gold didn't seem bothered at all by it, he simply thrusted forward, burying his cock deeper down his throat.

Killian felt tears run from his eyes through the remnants of Gold's release on his face, before they too dropped to the floor under him.

Gold kept both hands in Killian's hair, keeping his head steady or moving it in any direction he wanted as he kept fucking him. Killian then felt his arms were free to move, and he started frantically hitting at Gold's legs, even trying to stick his hook in them, but it didn't deter him at all. Killian groaned in frustration, tears still running down his face as he kept biting and hitting and trying to pull Gold's hands off his hair.

"Oh, I love it when you squirm," Gold said and Killian felt his heart drop to his stomach. Gold hadn't given him freedom of movement by accident; he'd wanted him to try and fight and realize there was no point. He almost let his arms fall in defeat, but he was still too defiant to give Gold that satisfaction.

Which one, though? Whether he fought or not, Gold would be pleased.

Might as well fight, then.

So he did, and Gold kept laughing, and thrusting, and running his hands through Killian's hair. Killian's arms were hurting by the time he felt Gold was about to come again. Gold tensed, grabbing harder on Killian's hair, enough to make him think he'd rip it right off, until he groaned in pleasure and came inside him.

He stilled, slowly relaxing his grip on Killian's hair, breathing hard, cock still hard down Killian's throat.

"Good boy," he said in a breathless voice. "Now, was that so hard?" he added, running his hands softly through Killian's hair, as if petting him, as if he'd just made _love_ to him.

If Gold's release in his system hadn't been enough, now Gold's words brought Killian to the brink of throwing up.

 _No_ , he thought. He'd been humiliated enough in front of him.

Gold sighed and pulled his now flaccid cock out of Killian's mouth, and Killian whimpered at the residual cum that dripped from his mouth. The magic keeping him in place went away, and Killian leaned forward as Gold moved away, spitting any remnant of cum that he felt inside his mouth.

"There was one time you'd begged to have my cum inside you," Gold said.

"Shut up."

"You'd licked it from the fucking ground."

"No."

"Yes. You were so desperate to be fucked you ate dirt just because my cum was on it. And then you begged me to rape you bloody."

"No! Shut up!" Killian said and turned to look at him.

Gold was staring at him indifferently, a pack of wet wipes in his hand. "Don't move," he said.

"I'll kill you," Killian said, moving away.

"You tried. And failed. Now will you stop or do I have to freeze you again?"

Killian ignored him, standing up on shaky knees and running for the door, before he felt his body freeze again.

Gold tsked. "After being such a good boy..." He approached him and stood in front of him. He took out a wet wipe and started rubbing Killian's face clean. "But I have to admit... it's this defiance that draws me to you. If you weren't fighting back I wouldn't be getting those thrills I love."

"What about Belle?" Killian managed, realizing he could still speak.

Gold shrugged as he took another wipe. "What about her?"

"You're cheating on her."

Gold laughed and kept cleaning Killian's face. "You're so full of yourself, if you think that what I do to you compares to my life with Belle. Belle is... sweet. Loving, caring. As I am with her. You?" He threw the wipe away and grabbed Killian's jaw in his hand. "You're just my toy. I play with you. I break you apart, put you back together, then let you go until I want to play again. Belle made the choice to be with me. You didn't, and you never will. And that's why I love taking you whenever I want." He leaned forward and kissed Killian's lips. Killian blinked in shock, but he couldn't move away.

Gold pulled away and looked at his face.

"You won't get away with this," Killian said. "I'll remember. I'll find a way."

"I'd love to see you try. How can you fight something you don't remember happening?" He leaned back, letting go of Killian's chin, and reached into his jacket pocket. "I wonder when you'll learn how these things are called and what they do," he said, pulling a strange object from his pocket. "You always look so perplexed when I pull one out."

"You use those things to make my memories go away?"

"I don't just make them 'go away'. I store them in here," he said, pointing at the object. "And then I rewatch them whenever I want. You forget, I get away with it, and I get to revisit and enjoy the memory any time I fucking want. Their magic truly is a gift."

Killian swallowed hard. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're a sick bastard."

"Yes, I am," Gold said with a soft smile, looking him in the eye. "A sick bastard who owns you and your memories, and jerks off with them every single day." He raised the object in front of Killian's eyes and cast it in magic light, smiling at the desperate expression on Killian's face.


	5. post-4x15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure if what I wrote counts as this, but just in case, this chapter will contain some minor ageplay.

He watched as Ursula and her father disappeared beneath the waves. His heart felt a little more at peace now that father and daughter were reunited, but Ursula's warning about Emma was almost terrifying him. Once again, Gold had nefarious plans for her, and who knew exactly what his first steps would be.

"A family reunited. How touching."

Killian whipped around at the sound of Gold's voice. And there he stood, hands crossed in front of him, looking at him as if nothing had transpired between them six weeks ago.

"You have a lot of nerve showing up here, Crocodile."

Gold laughed. "This was my home for twenty-eight years. Now you of all people dare to try to push me away from here?"

"You were willing to let this town die at the hands of the Snow Queen. That's quite a respect you have for what you call home."

Gold took a more serious expression, looking elsewhere. "Didn't expect from a pirate like you to understand any of my actions."

Killian clenched his hand into a fist. He didn't have time for this, he had to get away, go back and warn Emma. He started walking across the pier, trying to keep as much distance from Gold as possible.

"You look very nervous, Captain. Why the hurry?"

Killian ignored him, but something yanked at his neck suddenly, the momentum making him fall on his side.

"What the hell?" he muttered before he reached with his hand around his neck. He gasped when he felt a leather collar around it, complete with leash. "What did you do? Let me go!"

"You can shout all you want," Gold said and pulled at the leash. "Or at least, you can try." Gold moved his free hand, and a small object appeared in it, too far for Killian to see.

He didn't need to see, though. The sudden lack of feeling of his tongue was enough to make him realize what had happened. Killian opened his mouth, trying to scream, but he only managed weak, breathless whimpers. He didn't even know how to make a sound now that his mouth felt unfamiliar.

Gold approached him, leash in one hand, tongue in the other. "Don't worry, you'll get it back soon. I can't resist hearing you cry. Now stand up."

Killian looked up at him and shook his head defiantly.

Gold tilted his head. "You can stand up on your own choice, or I can drag you to the boathouse, _or_ I can pull your heart out and force you to follow me. Perhaps you'd like that?"

Killian thought for a moment, swallowing awkwardly. His mind was racing with thoughts; there was only one place his imagination went to in regards to what Gold wanted from him. And in any case, he'd rather choose to obey once rather than losing his heart again and being forced to. So he stood up, keeping a brave face.

"Good boy. Now follow me," Gold said and whistled, turning around.

Killian's skin crawled at the whistle. He wasn't some fucking animal to be given a collar and ordered around. However, he realized he had no choice right now but to follow Gold inside the boathouse. It was cold and dark, only the near-full moon illuminating the room.

"Look at this," Gold said. "Isn't it romantic?" He turned to him and Killian felt his stomach turn. When... when did Gold become so twisted?

Killian opened his mouth, trying to speak, but only pathetic unintelligible voices came out.

"What's that?" Gold said, narrowing his eyes at him. "There's something... something missing in your mouth." He smiled wide, and Killian had to hold himself back from attacking him. "Come on, let's not waste any more time," Gold said and approached him.

Killian instinctively took a step back.

Gold raised an eyebrow. "I thought you'd agreed to follow me this time? Or do you want me to rip your heart out again?"

Killian bit his lip, then tried to relax his arms on his sides and stand up straight. Terror was starting to spread through his body, his heart beating faster and his limbs growing cold. He looked at Gold with wide eyes as the man approached him and started unbuttoning Killian's vest.

"Always so meticulous," Gold said. "It's almost as if you're doing it for me, so that I'd enjoy undressing you more."

Killian's breath picked up. He was aware of what Gold wanted to do to him; but what did he mean now? Why was he implying that it had happened before?

He felt his skin crawl at how Gold's fingers touched him, even above the fabric. Gold silently unbuttoned Killian's vest, then went for his shirt, and Killian had to fight with his conscience to not run away.

_He's going to force me anyway. Better like this than with my heart in his hands._

When Gold was done with his shirt, however, he touched Killian's chest, his fingers brushing through the hair there. Killian closed his eyes and winced in disgust.

"Look at all that hair stand up," Gold said softly, breathlessly.

Killian took a deep breath himself, hoping it would calm down his erratic heartbeat. If he were honest, he didn't know whether his hair were standing up from the cold or because of Gold touching him.

"Alright, fine, take it back. It feels weird to not hear you make all those little sounds."

Killian opened his eyes in surprise when he felt his tongue return in his mouth. He swallowed once, glad it at least felt normal now, and looked at Gold. "Just get it over with, then."

Gold smiled lazily, still running his hands through Killian's chest hair. "Is it how you want it, pirate? Fast? Be done with it so you can run crying to Miss Swan?"

"Don't," Killian said. "Don't talk about her."

Gold looked at him, shooting daggers from his eyes. "You don't have any say to what happens here. You can only choose whether you'll submit on your own, or if I'll force you in every way possible."

Killian closed his eyes, feeling tears threaten to spill. Emma... after what he'd just confessed to her, and how she accepted all of it, all of him... it was wrong. Not now. Not ever, but especially not now.

"Are you crying, pirate?"

_Bloody hell._

Well, no use in hiding now. He opened his eyes, a tear falling.

He had expected Gold to laugh at him. To mock him, call him Emma's puppy dog, anything else. What he hadn't expected was Gold leaning in and licking the tear from Killian's cheek. Killian groaned in disgust and flinched back, but Gold just moved with him, ending up sucking at his neck. He leaned back to look him in the eye and said, "Why are you crying now?"

"Do I have to answer?" Killian said, surprised at how weak his voice sounded.

"Oh, it's not just the fear of me raping you at any moment," Gold said and pushed Killian's jacket off his shoulders. "You've never simply cried just because of that before."

"Before? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Why, about the other times I've raped you and then made you forget all about it."

"What? No, you're just toying with me."

"I am _always_ toying with you." Gold now pushed Killian's vest off, and Killian felt the cold seep right through his shirt. "But right now, at least, I'm not lying. You just don't remember it."

"You made me forget? To get away with it?"

"Of course." Killian's shirt now went away, and Killian almost whimpered from the cold. "Because despite your vile nature, your rotten heart, I'm the one to blame for everything, right?"

"You _rape_ me? And _my_ heart is rotten?"

"Oh, please." Now Gold was unbuttoning Killian's pants, leaning in to lick another tear that ran. "You were a pirate. Don't tell me you've never abused anyone like that."

"You'd be surprised," Killian said, but his voice was too weak; he was nearly shaking from the cold.

Gold stopped and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "Really? I _am_ surprised."

"Not everyone's addicted to-to power like-like you are," Killian said.

Gold slapped him then, but before Killian could react, Gold was back to sucking at his neck.

"Tell me," Gold said, still sucking, "... has Miss Swan marked you as hers yet? I'm sure you'd enjoy it, having a mark proving your submission to her."

Killian swallowed hard, lip started to tremble. He... he had to admit the idea of Emma sucking his neck had felt attractive, but how did Gold now? How could he...

"I know all your dirty little secrets," Gold said. "I know how hot and bothered it would make you, to have someone else in control." Still sucking at his neck, Gold slipped his hand under Killian's underwear and grabbed his length in his hand.

Killian gasped, nearly moving back before Gold nearly sunk his teeth in Killian's flesh. He wanted to speak, to say anything, to fight back even verbally, but the cold, and Gold touching him, and knowing about his preferences, and _holding_ him in his hand...

"Kiss me," Gold said. "Kiss me back." And then his mouth was all over Killian's.

Killian needed a moment to register everything, but despite his struggles, he couldn't find it in himself to kiss that monster back. It felt all kinds of wrong.

Gold pulled away, sighing. "Guess we're taking it the hard way, then." He then squeezed Killian's member, making him gasp and nearly scream as he doubled over in pain. Gold took advantage of Killian's position to push him down on all four. Killian couldn't resist; he dropped to his knees, then supported the rest of his weight on his arms, shuddering at how cold the ground was against his bare arms. Gold pulled Killian's pants and underwear down, then started caressing his buttocks.

Killian groaned, his whole body tensing. He knew how things would go now, it wasn't the first time he was forced into such a state.

Not the first time he _remembered_ , he thought in terror.

"Dear, dear," Gold whispered as he kept stroking him. "You're freezing."

"You think?!" Killian managed through chattering teeth.

"Patience, dearie. My cock will warm you up all inside." And then he entered him, hard and fast.

Killian screamed. He'd rather freeze to death right here, naked and exposed, over Gold raping him. But he couldn't speak, couldn't voice any of his objections. He only cried and whimpered as Gold kept thrusting inside him. Being exposed, both to the freezing cold and Gold's perverted mind, had an even deeper effect on him, and he couldn't hold back any of his screams, no matter how he desperately tried to. He moved to and fro with Gold's thrusts, watching breath clouds accompany his cries. Tears and snot run down his face and dropped down to the ground.

How was it possible he'd forget all that?

Suddenly, Killian felt something welcomingly warm touch his bare back and almost leaned into it, until he realized it was Gold's bare chest. Killian yelled and dropped his chest down to the ground, hating the feel of that monster's body against his. But as he crouched forward, he unintentionally gave Gold a better access to his backside, and Gold took full advantage of it, thrusting even deeper, ecstatic screams sounding over Killian's agonized cries.

Gold thrust inside him with force, causing Killian's chest and face to scrape against the rough floor. And he only kept going.

Everything became a blur of pain, fear, and freezing cold. Killian's body had stopped shivering long before Gold finally came inside him.

With a final grunt, Gold stilled inside him, breathing hard, still grabbing hard at his buttocks. And then he let go, and he moved away.

Killian made one final whimper as Gold finally let him go, and he dropped fully to the ground. The fingers of his hand felt nearly frozen solid; he couldn't move them at all. His throat was hoarse from all the screaming, and the cold air entering it only made it worse. And finally, he was sure the scrapes on his chest and face were bleeding by now. He whimpered softly as he tried to move, in any way to bring his limbs closer together and warm himself up.

He looked up, seeing Gold wipe the blood off his cock with a wipe, which he then poofed away. Gold then dressed up, sighed in contentment and looked at the nearly unconscious, raped man on the floor in front of him.

"Tell me, have you ever watched someone change a baby's diaper? Perhaps Mary Margaret and David with baby Neal?" Gold said.

Killian struggled to put his thoughts together. Had he... what?

"A baby. Diaper," Gold said leaning down to him. "Have you?"

Killian blinked a few times, before things finally made sense. "Y-yes," he managed.

"Good. Then you'll know what these are for." He poofed something rectangular-shaped into his hands, and Killian struggled to make his eyes focus on it. "Wet wipes? To wipe the baby's bottom clean, because the baby itself can't?"

Killian narrowed his eyes. What was Gold's point now?

Gold sighed. "Like you can't wipe your own ass clean now," he said and pulled out a wipe, then started rubbing it against Killian's backside. Killian whimpered, but it was only then he realized he was actually dirty back there, and he shivered to think what with.

"There, all clean," Gold said after using a few wipes. "Ready to go back to your owner like the good puppy you are."

Tears run from Killian's eyes. It was too much right now to be called that.

And Gold saw that. He sighed deeply, running his hand through Killian's hair and watching him cry silently. "It's a shame you'll forget all about it in a few moments." Gold grabbed Killian's hips then, forcing him back on his knees, and pulled his underwear and pants back on.

Killian sighed at finally feeling a bit warmer, but his upper body was still too cold for him to move. Gold grabbed his shoulder and turned him on his back, and Killian finally saw the state of his chest. It was scraped here and there, but nothing too deep or dangerous. Before he even had time to think about cleaning the scrapes, Gold's hand was hovering over him, healing him.

"Wha-what are y-you... d-d-doing?" he asked, feeling the scrapes on his cheek heal too.

"Destroying the evidence. How would you forget about what happened here if you still bore the injuries you sustained?"

How _would_ he forget anyway?

"Look at your face, you little crybaby." Gold took yet another wipe and started wiping Killian's face clean of tears and snot, and even the wipes felt warmer than the cold air against his face, but Killian couldn't ignore the feeling that he was treated like a small child, unable to do something as simple as clean himself. "There. All good now. All that's left is your ass, but I'd love to watch you limp out to the docks, so that'll have to wait till the last moment," Gold said with a smile. "Now, up," he said and something yanked at Killian's neck.

Right. The collar. He'd forgotten about it.

Gold pulled him in a sitting position, and new tears threatened to spill at the pain on his backside. Killian winced, teeth starting to chatter again, the only thing keeping him seated the leash that Gold pulled at his collar with. Gold probably used magic then, as he let go of the leash and it stayed right there in mid-air, still forcing Killian in the same painful position. Gold then retrieved Killian's clothes, and dressed him as slowly as he'd undressed him, though this time without kissing and touching him. Killian looked at him as he did, and Gold's smile looked almost innocent. Killian sighed heavily when finally, his leather jacket was back on his shoulders, finally providing the warmth he so craved.

"All ready. Come on now, let's get you back to where I found you," Gold said, taking the leash back in his hand and standing up, pulling at the collar, but Killian couldn't stand up. Instead, he leaned sideways, neck hanging from the collar. "Oh, come on." Gold let go, making Killian drop to his side, squirming and starting to shiver again. Gold put his hands under Killian's armpits and pushed him up. Killian tried to focus beyond the pain in his ass, putting his trembling feet beneath him. Gold held on to him until he felt Killian had found his balance, and then he grabbed the leash again and guided Killian out to the docks.

With a whimper, Killian followed him. Gold knew exactly what he was doing; the leash was loose and he was walking slowly in front of him, knowing Killian wouldn't be able to walk very fast. It was then he finally felt a surge of fury at Gold. "You'll pay for this, Crocodile," he said in a small but steady voice.

"Oh, you're back. Took you long enough."

"What do you mean?"

"You're usually defiant and angry during the whole session. This time you were... quieter." He looked at him over his shoulder. "Perhaps me mentioning your love for submission influenced your reactions." He then turned forward again. "I guess I'll have to try it again some time."

"You won't get another try. I'll remember. You won't get away with it this time."

"Oh, I will." Gold turned fully towards him, having reached the end of the dock where Killian had been standing before. "I did every time in the past, and I will every time in the future."

Killian swallowed hard. "How... how many times?"

"In the future? Infinite."

"No, in-in the past."

Gold smiled, but then appeared to be thinking.

_Was he counting?!_

"It's a bit complicated, actually... I would say about seven or eight, but there's also this time while I had your heart, and those are all jammed together and it's hard to keep count. Of course, thinking how I've rewatched every single one of them..." He shrugged. "Hard to say."

Killian felt his blood freeze. He was going back and _rewatching_ those moments? How...

Killian was completely motionless as Gold manually removed the collar from his neck, then healed the bruises the collar and his mouth had left.

"This fucking face of yours... I promise, next time I'm showing you one."

Killian looked him in the eye, swallowing hard and struggling to find something to say back, _anything_. Gold simply moved his hand, and Killian felt the final pain go away, but as he focused back on Gold, he saw him hold a dreamcatcher in his hand.

"Till next time, Killian," he said.

~

 _Killian_.

His skin crawled at that last part. Instinctively, he let the dreamcatcher fall from his hand and brought his arms closer to his body, hugging his torso with them.

He still felt cold. Even though the weather was noticeably warmer now and he was fully dressed in the comfort of his home, he still felt like he was freezing.

Once again, he found himself putting the pieces together. He remembered that time too; after Ursula had left, he'd felt a sudden burst of cold through his body... and when he'd found Emma again and she'd kissed him, she'd said his face smelt like chamomile.

They'd both laughed it off, despite the looming fear of Gold's plans.

So now apparently Gold had enjoyed treating him like a child too, completely incapable of taking care of himself. But it didn't compare to Gold talking about Killian being submissive.

He'd known that for ages; since before Milah, even. He knew he liked it, and he wasn't ashamed of it. And both Milah then and Emma now had been willing and happy to add that extra flavour to their intimate times. But Gold... how early had he found that out?

Killian stood up and started pacing around the room. That time in Neverland... could it be that that pollen took someone's tastes to the extreme, and Gold had known that, and later known exactly how to use that new knowledge against him?

Not that it would surprise Killian. Ever since seeing him as the Dark One, he'd always believed Rumpelstiltskin was a man craving and abusing any power he had. It would make sense that in that scenario, he would use it that way. _Against_ him.

His hand went for the small, now almost healed bruise on the back of his shoulder. He'd felt too uncomfortable to kiss Emma the past days, let alone let her suck his neck, this last bruise the only proof that it was a thing they did... and now it all felt ruined, sullied.

Killian looked at the box with the dreamcatchers. There were still a lot of them left, and Killian doubted many - if any - were from before Neverland.

Which would mean that all along, Gold had known.

Killian sat back on the bed, hand shivering, lips trembling.

Just how much had Gold used that against him?


	6. Present time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will only focus on present events, centering around CS. So if you're here only for the GH noncon, skip to the next chapter. However, there's still angst aplenty as well as a moment of accidental exposure of a memory.

Killian opened his eyes when he heard Emma approach. She smiled softly, and he felt part of the immeasurable weight lift.

"Can I sit next to you?" she said.

He nodded. He didn't trust his voice right now, but he could do with some company. Emma stepped in and looked at Hope resting on his shoulder. She leaned in and rubbed softly at her back, kissed her head and turned to look at him.

He turned his gaze away. He wasn't ready for a kiss yet.

She stayed silent, soft smile still on as she sat on the stool, next to the rocking chair where he was sitting.

"I know we agreed not to pamper her with hugs," he whispered, rubbing at her back as well. "But, holding her... it helps."

"I know," she said. "She has that effect when she's not shrieking for attention."

"Even... even then. I can't describe it. It's like... it's like taking care of her helps me forget."

"It's a good distraction," she said. He knew she wasn't judging, trying her best at least, but he also knew she'd noticed how he'd started to drink more since he started watching his memories. "And even if she does become pampered it'll be a small loss. I'm happy you spend time with her."

"She's gotta get used to my scent too, right?" He felt his lips lift towards a smile, finally. He didn't remember the last time he smiled.

Judging by Emma's reaction, she must have been treasuring this smile as well. "I know you just said holding her helps, but what do you say we go for a walk at some point?" she asked.

He looked away from her, the fear of letting go of his daughter now nearly turning into terror.

"Not now," she added. "We can think about it, and it'll be just for a while. I think going to the beach and listening to the waves will help too."

"And what about Hope?"

"What about her? We can take her with us, or have Alice babysit her. She said she's always willing to babysit her, when she has time."

He thought about it for a moment. Alice always did a great job, and he was happy to have her spend time with any of them. But right now...

"Take your time," Emma said, standing up. "It's just a suggestion."

He nodded. She smiled at him, rubbed softly at his shoulder and turned to leave. Killian focused back on his sleeping daughter, feeling her belly move against his shoulder. He caressed her tiny back and listened to her deep, soft sigh.

He hadn't sung to her since he found out the truth about Gold.

There was a part of him that feared he'd used that against him too. It had been only a few days, and he couldn't help wondering when those memories were from... if some of them had taken place while Gold had his heart in his possession.

He had zero evidence it hadn't happened during that time, and it was only a matter of time before he found out for himself.

He turned his head and placed a kiss on Hope's head. He closed his eyes and focused on her presence there, and on the sounds of Emma moving around in the next room.

His family, still there, not going anywhere.

Despite the horrible truth he'd been unveiling.

* * *

 

He was sitting at the table, fingers drumming anxiously on it. He looked at the clock, Alice would be here in about a minute or so.

"Killian?" Emma said softly. "You okay?"

"Aye. Just... a bit nervous."

"We don't have to go. I can call Alice and tell her to not come."

"No, no. It's alright. It's just a walk to the beach."

Emma sat down on the chair next to him. She placed her hand on the table, as if offering it to him."They'll be alright. And we can come home as soon as you want."

He nodded. "Do you know if she's coming alone? Or if her father is coming with?"

"I don't know. Probably. They spend most of their time together."

"We couldn't really ask her to come alone without raising suspicions, right?"

"You don't want to see him?"

His hand clenched into a fist. "Well, he knows me. I fear he'll take one look at me and he'll know everything."

"You know... maybe that's not a bad idea."

His head snapped towards her. "What?"

She shrugged defensively. "I'm just saying. You know each other, he'll know how sensitive a matter it is to you... and he may be easier to talk to than I am. I won't judge if he is."

"You think I should tell him what the man who saved his life has done to me?"

"I think...  in a way, he deserves to know."

He shook his head. "No. That's my problem to deal with."

He knew Emma wanted to say something more, but she stayed silent. Just in time, they heard the unmistakable sound of Rogers' Chevelle being parked outside their home.

They both stood up and looked at each other. "He's here then," Emma said.

Killian nodded.

"It's gonna be okay. Even if he comes in, even if he suspects anything, I doubt he'll push you for answers. He knows you, you said it yourself."

He nodded again, and soon they heard a lively knock on the door. He sighed, watching Emma go to open the door.

"Hi!" an excited Alice announced, stepping forward and hugging Emma close. "Hi, uncle!" she said to him, but didn't move besides stepping back from the embrace.

"Hi Alice, Killian. Thank you for agreeing to come in such short notice," Emma said.

"Oh, it's fine. I love spending time with little Hope!"

"I'll be leaving right away," the other Killian said. "Perhaps I can drop you off anywhere?" he said, turning to look at his counterpart, eyebrow immediately raising.

"No need," Emma said. "It's called a walk for a reason. Anyway, we won't take long. She's been fed and changed, but she may wake up soon."

"Alright," Alice said, bright smile still on. Killian looked back to his counterpart, who was still looking at him with a curious face, then back to Emma.

"So, I guess we should get going," Emma said. "If you need anything, just call us- Alice?"

All three of them turned to see her walk, as if hypnotized, towards the coffee table in the living room. It didn't occur to him what might have pulled her there until he saw her drag a dreamcatcher from under a magazine.

"No!" he said, but he wasn't quick enough. The object lit up in her hand, images flying by in the center of it, and a second later, the light went away.

She stayed frozen in spot, the dreamcatcher slipping from her hand.

_No... no..._

"Alice?" her father said. "What's wrong?"

Alice didn't reply. He didn't hesitate to face her and put his hands on her shoulders.

"Starfish, it's me," he said. "It's over, you're here now."

She looked up at him, and a sob escaped her before she lunged at him, wrapping her arms around his chest. He looked at her, then at the two of them, then simply wrapped his arms around her, confusion settling on his face.

"You're okay, Al. It's okay now." He kept looking at them. "What was that thing?" he said.

Killian stared at them, frozen in place. He saw Emma move, turning to look at him then back at the other two.

"What was it?!" he asked again.

"It was... magic," Emma said sheepishly.

"Aye, I saw that. What did it do to her?"

"She... she saw something." Killian turned his head to look at her, then shook his head when Emma looked at him.

"You two know something," the concerned father said. "What's going on here?"

Killian felt his head spin. Alice had just watched... which memory was that one anyway? And had she watched all of it?

Judging by her reaction, by how she still held on tight on her father, shaking in his arms, she probably had.

He walked backwards, leaning on the table when he bumped onto it.

"What the hell's going on?!" the other Killian said.

"Alice," Emma said softly, walking towards her.

Killian dropped his eyes. How would he ever face her now?

He couldn't look up, but he still heard the conversation in front of him.

"Alice, it's okay," Emma said.

"What was that thing?" Alice said in a weak voice.

"It was a... a memory."

"A memory? So it's real?"

"Yes."

Killian rubbed at his forehead with his hand. He couldn't... he couldn't sit there and listen.

She might as well tell everything now.

Without looking up at them, he turned to the stairs and walked them up fast. No-one called at him.

Hope had just woken up, and she was crying, and between him and her, he didn't know who needed to be held more right now.

* * *

 

He was facing the window, Hope relaxed on his shoulder when Emma entered the room.

"They left," she said. "I figured it would be better for Alice to... take some time."

He didn't reply.

"I didn't tell Killian anything, if it makes you feel better. And I asked her to not talk about it, and she agreed."

"Did she tell you what she saw?"

There was a moment of silence before Emma spoke again. "I... I took her aside so her father wouldn't listen, even though he was very worried, and suspicious. She was... shaken, she kept asking me if that was the Rumpelstiltskin she'd known."

"And you told her?"

"Well, I couldn't lie."

He finally turned to her. "How did she even activate it? I thought you'd enchanted them so only I can watch them."

Emma shrugged. "You know that her magic is unpredictable at times. You saw how she was... "attracted" to it. Its magic probably called to her. It's not her fault."

"Aye," he said, taking his hand away from Hope's back to rub at his forehead again. "And she agreed to not say anything?"

"Yes... but she'll need to. You know how highly she was thinking of him, and... her father looking and sounding exactly the same as you only makes things worse."

Killian swallowed hard. He hadn't thought of that. She practically watched one of her father figures rape someone with the face and voice of her actual father. "Bloody hell," he said.

"It's not her fault she watched it, and it's not her fault it was lying there. She deserves to get help."

"So it's my fault then?"

"I'm not blaming you. It must have been there for days, and considering how often you watch them... do you know what she watched?"

He thought for a moment. "I'm not sure." He'd watched the last two on the guest room, so it couldn't have been the time in the docks, or the first time in the pawn shop...

Oh Gods, what if she’d watched the one from Neverland?

He swallowed hard again, his expression betraying his emotions.

"What is it?" Emma asked.

"There is one... particularly... wait." No, no. After he'd watched the one from Neverland, he'd put it in the box and moved it upstairs to the guest room, where his privacy was more guaranteed than anywhere else in the house. So it was either the time in his room at Granny's or the next time in the pawn shop. "Never mind," he said. But he couldn't deny it was still a horrible thing for her to watch.

"You have to tell him," Emma said. "The other Killian."

"Are you serious?"

"Alice could barely look at his face. And can you blame her, after what she’d just watched?"

"I... I can't tell him."

Emma sighed. "We don't know when those memories are from. If even one of them is from something that happened before the curse was cast, he deserves to know. Just as you did."

He couldn't deny he'd wondered about that. He'd been wondering when Gold had started this whole thing, and there was nothing that suggested it hadn't been before that time in Neverland. "Not now," Killian said.

"Okay. Take your time."

"I'm sorry. I should have been more careful with where I leave the dreamcatchers."

"Don't beat yourself up. You didn't do it on purpose. And maybe... wasn't there a time where you watched two of them the same night? Perhaps after watching the second one your mind was too preoccupied with that one to remember the first."

"Where is that dreamcatcher now?"

"I left it on the guest room."

"Did you watch it?"

That took her aback. "Of course not. I just moved it to a more private room."

He sighed, thinking of how he’d been locking himself in that room to watch the dreamcatchers in private. "I'm sorry I'm isolating myself like that."

"Hey," she said, taking a step forward, but stopping when he moved back. "It's okay. I know you need your time and your privacy, just... think about what I said about the other Killian. He has to deal with an Alice who now knows, and if you find out a memory older than the curse..."

He closed his eyes. He did owe him, since it was his fault that his daughter was now plagued with such a memory. But even considering the possibility shook him to the core.

"Take your time." She approached him again, and he didn't move back. Seeing though how he'd turned his gaze away from her, she only rubbed softly at Hope's back, then turned away. "I'll be downstairs."

And then she left.

He rubbed at his baby's back as well. How would he face Alice after that? Poor girl... and yes, maybe Rogers deserved to know the truth about what she'd seen, and as much as it angered him to think that those two held a monster like Rumpelstiltskin to so high a pedestal, he still didn't want to ruin that for him.

Well, it was already ruined for Alice now, wasn't it?

But still, talking about all of what had happened... it seemed surreal. How could he voice his thoughts, his memories...

He looked through the open door of Hope's room to the closed door of the guest room. The only way to know if there was a memory older than the curse in those dreamcatchers was to keep looking through them.

Letting out a shaky sigh, he kissed his daughter's head and put her back in her crib.

No need to waste more time.


	7. 2x12

His chest hurt.

He winced, resisting the urge to sigh at the last moment. Deep breaths wouldn't feel good with cracked ribs, he assumed.

Eyes still closed, he moved his hand to check if the handcuffs were still there. The slight tug and clinging sound confirmed his suspicion. Not that he'd expected any less; it wouldn't be the first night he'd spend chained up, in any way, and he'd lie if he said he wasn't appreciating the soft, clean and dry bed and the painkillers running through his system, as the nurse had said.

It would probably classify as the most comfortable prison he's ever been in; which succeeded in making him drop his guard. Yet, his mind drifted off to Rumpelstiltskin and Belle. She may not have deserved being shot and losing her memory, but it was definitely better than associating herself with that monster, wasn't it?

His eyes snapped open when he heard someone breathing in the room. His mind was already fuzzy for some reason and his eyes adjusted slowly to the bright light, so it took him a moment to look around and notice Rumpelstiltskin standing at the corner of the room, looking at him.

Hook couldn't lie to himself; he knew that the shiver he felt down his spine was nothing but fear. But he _could_ lie to him.

"Crocodile," he said. "Didn't expect you'd miss me."

Rumpelstiltskin didn't speak, only kept staring at him. Taking control of his fear, Hook forced himself to turn his head away in defiance. If that monster wouldn't grant him an answer, Hook wouldn't grant him anything. He glanced at the handcuffs for a moment, and assessed his disadvantage while looking away.

Hook wondered. Belle may have lost her memory, but others seemed to trust the Dark One now. Swan and that other man in the town line had begged him to stop, not because of Hook, but because they'd wanted him to... do the good thing. He almost winced at that. The Dark One, choosing to do good only when others ask him to. How noble of him. Yet, that meant something about his reputation here, and Hook wondered how much Gold would be willing to sully if it meant bursting out on him.

The privacy of the room and the handcuffs keeping him immobilized didn't help with his thoughts. Nor did the fact that Rumpelstiltskin started walking towards him slowly, still staring at him blankly.

"I wonder how long it'll take you to break out of these handcuffs now," he said, stopping a few paces away from the bed.

Hook wasn't comforted by the distance. "Considering I was stripped of any and all equipment, I guess I'll have to seduce my way out of them."

"Is that so?" Gold said with a semi-amused face.

Hook raised an eyebrow at him. Charm may be a cheap weapon in this occasion, but it's still one.

"And what are you going to do once you're out of them?" Gold said.

Bloody hell, he was taunting him. Hook had no idea how the justice system worked here, or how the prisons here were, but if he judged by how everything else looked in this town, it might take him some time - and charm, of course - to find a way out. And then what, indeed. He hadn't expected to survive completing his quest for revenge, but Gold didn't need to know that.

"Remember, sonny boy," Gold said and walked closer, leaning slightly towards him. "This is my turf. You know nothing of this world."

"I'm a quick learner," Hook said with a sneer, trying to cover how his breath had picked up.

"Still." Gold leaned his hands on the bed frame where Hook's hand was handcuffed to. "You saw what happened at the town line. The sheriffs themselves trusted I wouldn't kill a lowlife like you who'd just taken my love from me."

"Oh, I see. This is all about you, then."

"Of course it is, dearie. They don't even know you. What they saw was a man who shot an innocent woman. Why would they care if you lived or died?"

"I'll have you know Swan and I have met before," Hook said without thinking. After all those years, not having someone care for him hurt enough, having it thrown at his face hurt worse. But he tried to divert Gold's attention from Swan, saying, "Didn't end well. I suppose she'd made her own conclusion, not that different than the one she made at the town line." He realized he lost the argument on his own.

Gold appeared to be thinking for a moment, but then his face relaxed. "So as I said, I have a reputation to uphold. Unfortunately for me, your presence here is threatening that."

Hook raised an eyebrow. "You should know then that there are people here who already know."

"Really? Who?"

Hook struggled to keep his smug face. "Cora."

Gold narrowed his eyes, smiling. "I somehow doubt you'd share that moment of ours with a woman like that. And I doubt Cora would be interested in hearing about that."

"She likes to know secrets. And her... methods, aren't the most gentle ones, as I'm sure you know."

"Oh, I know. But I still doubt it." Gold raised his hand and touched the back of his fingers on Hook's cheek. Hook pulled away, breath picking up and chest starting to hurt. "That woman wants me all for herself," Gold added. "I'm sure she's somewhere out there, happy that Belle doesn't want me anymore." He caressed Hook's cheek again, and Hook had no more space to pull away. "So I'm sure that even though that kind of information would mean something to her, _this_ specific one would disgust her." He pulled his hand away. "Now, seeing as you're not willing to cooperate, not that I'm surprised..."

Gold moved fast, and the only thing Hook felt was agony; his breath caught and a cold feeling appeared in his chest. He was disgusted to know the feeling by now without looking down at his chest.

Gold was keeping hold of his heart, squeezing ever so little. Hook took in harsh, short breaths, his chest hurting even more with all his injuries.

"Now, answer me with the truth. Have you told anyone about the previous time we met?"

"Yes," Hook croaked out, still struggling for breath.

"How many people?"

"One."

"Is that person alive?"

"Yes. I- I think." He'd hope not, but it was a frail hope.

"What's their name?"

Hook didn't want to speak; he couldn't humiliate himself further, yet he felt the words being forced out of his mouth, despite his shortness of breath. He squeezed his eyes shut in pain and whispered, "Peter Pan."

Gold's hand squeezed for a moment, and Hook would've screamed if not for the fact that all of his breath had left him, but then it relaxed, almost completely. Hook gasped in a breath, opening his eyes, and through tears in them he saw that Gold looked surprised, an expression which turned into mild amuse.

"How did he learn that?"

"He f-f-forced it out-t of-f me." He was breathing a little more easily now, but it was still short breaths running by an injured chest.

"Forced it out?" Gold looked away, apparently thinking. "How?"

Hook simply looked down at Gold's hand, still inside his chest.

"Oh. I see. Still thriving on human pain, isn't he?"

"You're... one... to talk."

"Now is that a way to talk when you're completely under my control?" Gold said, squeezing hard. Hook saw spots appear in his vision, and felt as if his chest was being sucked from inside. Gold relaxed his grip, causing Hook to gasp in a few short, agonizing breaths. "Now tell me, what did he do to you?"

Hook wanted to resist; he struggled desperately to, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "He t-tortured me."

"And?" A sadistic grin spread across Gold's face.

Hook closed his eyes, hoping to hide the despair in them. "He raped me."

Bloody hell.

Then Gold pulled his hand away, and Hook could finally breathe, despite his aching chest. He heard a magical _whoosh_ sound and felt something change in the room. He opened his eyes, only to have his hope that Gold had left crushed.

He was still leaning above him, looking at him up and down, causing a shiver to run down his spine again.

_No. No. Not now._

"You think you could handle a quick one?" Gold asked, looking at him in the eye blankly.

Hook shrunk into his pillow and shook his head. "I'll scream. They'll hear me."

" _Who_ will hear you? Who will care?"

Hook started squirming, trying to get his hand off the handcuff again, ignoring his multiple sore places. "They won't forgive that."

"We'll see about that." Gold picked up the blanket over Hook's body, lowering it down to his feet.

"No! Stop!" Hook shouted despite his protesting chest. "No!"

Gold climbed between Hook's legs, undoing the belt of Hook's bathrobe. Hook still struggled, trying in vain to move away as Gold raised whatever that thing was they'd dressed him in, exposing his crotch.

"My, my." He looked at Hook's exposed, bruised skin. "It'll take you some time to handle playing with that thing again... though less than it'll take for your ass to stop hurting."

Hook looked at him, tears of fury and pain - and a bit of shame, he'd admit to himself - in his eyes. "So that's it? Belle doesn't remember you for a few hours and you find yourself another hole to stick your dick i-"

This time, he saw Gold move, and he knew he'd stopped breathing because of Gold's bare hand wrapping around his neck. "Don't you fucking talk about her. You don't get to talk about her after what you did. And she's not that! She's nothing like that!"

Hook wanted to talk back; he looked at Gold, his tears finally spilling, but his chest and throat felt as if they were on fire, and he couldn't move anymore. All of his thoughts were centered on breathing again. Finally, Gold let go, and Hook hadn't managed a breath before Gold's palm slapped hard against his cheek.

Hook looked at him, gasping for air as Gold leaned back on his heels and undid his belt and pants. "She's nothing like you," Gold said. "You're a filthy whore, just a hole for me to fuck, nothing more. You disgrace her even by putting her name in your filthy mouth."

Hook wanted to scream, to alert someone, even if it took them seeing him in that shameful state. But his chest still hurt, he could barely breathe, and Gold moved too fast. Hook gasped when he felt Gold's hands wrap around his thighs and raise them.

"You're too bruised for me to fuck you." Gold looked up at him, and Hook felt his blood freeze at how Gold's face now mimicked the expression on scaly faces from his nightmares. "I'm going to enjoy this. I hope you bleed hard."

And then Gold entered him.

And Hook couldn't scream.

He could barely breathe.

His body froze, almost collapsed under Gold's violent thrusts. His head fell back on his pillow, pushing against it as his whole body shook, both with pain and along with Gold's cock moving inside him.

He was looking at the ceiling, at the light sources and the square patterns on it, but he wasn't seeing. He could hear his own ragged gasps, Gold's heavy breaths, and the sound of his cock popping in and out, but he wasn't listening.

All his mind could register for sure was pain... and shame.

He wasn't even fighting back.

He was like an abandoned puppet, reducing himself to an object of his worst enemy's pleasure. And he wasn't fighting back.

He'd almost passed out from pain and lack of oxygen when Gold was done. He came inside him, then leaned over Hook's face and brushed away a few locks from Hook's sweaty forehead.

"I want so much to kill you right now," Gold said softly. "Everything inside me says I should. It would be just that easy..." His fingers trailed down Hook's face, then rested carefully around his neck.

Hook looked at him blankly, barely holding onto consciousness. He couldn't speak.

"But now... knowing you're here, ready and set for me to fuck whenever I damn well please..." He squeezed a bit, just enough to not cut Hook's breathing.

Hook still couldn't react. It felt so normal too, to just lie there, bleeding, with Gold's flaccid cock still inside him and his hand wrapped around his neck, and do nothing.

"Maybe another time," Gold said. "Maybe one time I'll just fuck you to death." He leaned in, mouth right next to Hook's ear. "That's the only death you deserve." He left a soft kiss at Hook's sideburns and sat up, pulling his cock out of him.

Hook whimpered, finally getting the strength to move. He raised his head a little, unable to look away from the blood staining the mattress between his legs.

"What a mess," Gold said, looking down. He touched the bloody stains with his fingers, closed his eyes, and sighed. "Why is it... just with you... that I..." Eyes still closed, fingers still touching the blood, Gold stayed there for a few moments and breathed slowly. He then opened them, looked at him, and grinned.

Hook closed his eyes and let his head fall back. If Gold was going to rape him again, he'd better do it now, and do it fast. He felt the warm, welcoming hands of sleep drag him in, but he snapped his eyes open when he suddenly felt clean from all the blood. He looked at Gold, who was now getting out of bed.

"What? You thought I'd leave all evidence behind?" Gold said.

"Evidence?" Hook whispered.

"Oh, you can still talk." Gold grinned again. "Guess I'll have to try harder next time."

"Next time?" Hook felt rage simmering beneath, about to burst out... if it weren't for all the exhaustion pulling him down.

"Of course," Gold said. "I don't know when exactly that will be, but don't worry." He placed his hand on Hook's cheek, and Hook didn't have the strength to move away this time. "That's a promise." He pulled his hand away, then smoke enveloped it. When it dissipated, two similar objects were in it. They looked like round twigs, decorated with feathers and thread.

Gold held up one of them, and it was illuminated in a magical, golden colour. Hook's head spun for a few seconds, before he saw Gold raise the second object and once again made it shine with magic light.

* * *

Killian dropped his hand, and the dreamcatcher slipped from it. He looked at the floor, at the lines between the wooden planks, but he wasn't seeing. He could hear the faint sounds of birds chirping and a car engine running from outside, but he wasn't listening.

Slowly, his mind came back to the present, and he started putting his thoughts in order. Thinking of what had happened so it made sense.

He now knew. After conversations with Emma, and Archie - though not about those instances with Gold - he knew that what had happened to him in the hospital was that he'd frozen. He didn't fight, he didn't try to flee... and now he knew it wasn't a response he had any control over.

And that only made things worse. He'd already been stripped of any choice as far as Gold was concerned. His own mind taking away his choice to fight back, when every other time it chose to do so...

Did it, though?

He looked at the box with the unseen dreamcatchers, and wondered how many times he did have that reaction. There was that time in Neverland, too-

He heard the faint sound of Emma's steps in the hallway, and a realization hit him; he hadn't been able to move.

Because _she_ had handcuffed him to the bed.

His breath picked up, and he was almost surprised to not feel any pain in his chest. He bent over, picked up the dreamcatcher and stepped out of the guest room, meeting Emma in the hallway.

Emma turned to look at him, then at the dreamcatcher, then back at him.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he saw her shrink back. His face contorted in fury as he threw the dreamcatcher at her. She was too surprised to try and catch it, so it fell on the floor in front of her.

"Hospital. After my car crash. While I was _handcuffed_ to bed!" he almost shouted.

"What?" Emma said, looking down at the fallen dreamcatcher.

"He came to me, while I was at the hospital. And he raped me. And I couldn't move because I was handcuffed to bed. Because _you_ had handcuffed me to bed."

She looked up at him. "Are you..." She paused, then closed her eyes for a few moments.

"I could have fought back. I could probably have fled and asked for help before he did anything. But no. You had to restrain me like I was a wild animal."

"That's not why I did it. I didn't even know he could find you, you were supposed to be hidden, I'd suspected he wanted to hurt you-"

"Well, he found me. And he hurt me."

She stared at him for a few moments, her eyes filling with tears. He shook his head at her. No. She didn't get to ask for sympathy now.

Emma sighed, looking down for a few seconds. "Look... I know you're trying to place the blame on someone... someone still here. You want to burst out on someone."

"Don't patronize me, Swan."

She looked up at him. "I'm not."

"Don't try to change the subject."

"The subject of what? That you're blaming me for what Gold did to you?"

"If you hadn't handcuffed me, it wouldn't have happened."

"Do you really think that? You think he wouldn't have found a way?"

"He took advantage of it!"

"That's what he did. Every time, and not just with you, he calculated the circumstances to turn the tables- Killian?"

He looked at nowhere, not listening to a word she'd said after "every time".

Every time.

Gold had mentioned a previous meeting.

One Killian couldn't remember now. His head dropped, and he thought he heard Emma say his name again, but he was only thinking of what he and Gold had said in the memory.

The last time Killian remembered meeting Rumpelstiltskin, it was at his ship, when he killed Milah and took his hand.

And then it was in Storybrooke.

There was another time... another memory lost to a dreamcatcher... and one Pan had known about.

Suddenly, his vision turned black and the world faded away, the feeling of his knees hitting the floor being the last he registered.


	8. Present time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this (short) chapter centers around current events between Hook and Emma. The non-con continues in the next chapter.

Consciousness returned to him slowly.

At first he thought he'd taken a nap, but quickly his memory reminded him that he'd literally passed out. He remembered his head spinning and his vision turning black.

He opened his eyes slowly. He realized he was lying down on the bed he shared with Emma, and she was sitting on it, right next to him.

"Hey," she said softly. "Can you hear me?"

He sighed and blinked, looking around. "Aye. Did I... did I faint?"

"I think so," Emma said, still looking at him. "I barely had time to catch you, you fell that fast."

He felt an apologetic tone in her voice, and he hated it. She shouldn't be the one feeling sorry; he was the one who'd just shouted at her for no good reason.

"You're still pale. Do you want some water?" she asked, lifting a glass of water from his bedside table.

He nodded. That would probably help - his mouth was dry as sandpaper. With a soft grunt, he raised on his elbows and took the glass from her hand, downing its contents in one go.

"Does anything hurt?" she asked once he lay back down.

He tried to focus on his current condition to check for anything sore, but his mind was drifting off to the memory he'd just watched. Even with the painkillers running through his body in it, it was still, quite possibly, the most painful memory. Most painful _yet_ , he thought with a heavy heart.

"Killian?"

"Yeah, sorry. I... I think I'm okay. I remember falling on my knees, but... I think I'm fine."

"You did fall on your knees. I'm sorry I didn't... I only managed to catch you before you fell on your side."

"You have nothing to feel sorry for." He rubbed at his forehead. "I should be the one asking for forgiveness."

"For shouting?"

He sighed.

"Look, it's not that I didn't get upset, but I understand. _You_ were even more upset and you burst out on the first person you found. And considering I was partly to blame for what happened..."

"You're not to blame. As you said, Gold would've found a way. It's not your fault."

"Don't beat yourself up over shouting, either."

He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to burst out on her, he barely even wanted her involved into this... but how could she not be involved? She was the one who'd found the dreamcatchers in the first place.

"Is it okay if I lie down next to you? Or do you want your space?"

"No, it's okay. Come," he said and turned on his side. She stood and walked around the bed, lying down on her side as well, facing him. He considered himself lucky he still felt comfortable to do this.

"You said that memory was in the hospital, right? After you got hit by Greg's car," she said.

"Aye."

"I can't believe Gold actually found you. I had specifically asked for you to be put in a room where he wouldn't find you."

"He had his ways. And we had no idea."

"But then... you walked out. You found us in the waiting room, and I guided you back to your room."

"Aye. I remember that."

"Was that before or after the memory?"

He thought for a moment, still putting the pieces together. "After. I... I can connect it now. At the time, after the memory was gone, I'd just thought that the pain had worsened somehow. I... it felt..." he looked at her with a guilty look. She already knew about his dealings with Pan; she knew he'd already known what the aftermath of rape felt like. "... familiar," he said eventually. "I was confused, so I didn't really think it could have been _that_. I didn't know that the painkillers were making my mind fuzzy, otherwise I would've suspected something... I think..." He shook his head. No use in wondering the what-ifs. "I started whimpering in pain, and a nurse came running and said she would increase my painkiller dose."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. You did what you thought was necessary."

" _That_ wasn't. Had I known what Gold was capable of..."

He looked away from her. "Maybe that's my fault."

Her eyes widened. "What... what is your fault?"

"I... I still have to watch one more memory to be sure."

"Sure of what?"

He finally looked at her. "If... if I understood what was said in the memory correctly... there was a previous time. With him."

"Before Storybrooke? Before the curse?"

"I think so. At the end of that last memory, he used two dreamcatchers. And I think I remember now how the first one looked like."

"You mean you... he had hurt you before and you remembered it? All that time until that night in the hospital?" Her tone wasn't accusatory at all; she only sounded worried.

"Probably. I'll have to make sure."

"And how would that make you the one to blame?"

"Because I didn't say anything. If I did remember something like that, and didn't tell you, or... or Belle... if I'd told you..."

She shook her head. "You can't blame yourself for that."

He sighed. She was right; once again, no use wondering the what-ifs. Before he could stop himself, he was speaking again, opening up. "He was so violent. Almost every time feels worse than the previous one, yet somehow they all feel the same. And the things he'd say to me..."

She reached over and let her hand rest on his cheek. He let her.

"And then he'd heal me to cover up what he'd done."

"That's why we never assumed anything."

"He didn't heal me in the hospital, though." His voice broke. "He assumed I would blame it on the accident, and he was right; he just wanted to let me suffer."

"And you didn't feel safe enough to say something."

"Say what? That I had the strange thought that someone had creeped into my room and raped me?" He swallowed hard. "At the time, it felt safer to just assume it was something else. But every other time... he did whatever he wanted with me. He broke me apart, then put me back together, like a goddamn toy. 'Until next time,' he'd say. Until next time he'd want to toy with me."

"That wasn't toying, Killian. He was torturing you."

"Aye, he was," he admitted with a sob. Emma started rubbing circles on his cheek with her thumb, and he struggled to keep his thoughts on the comforting gesture. "It's just... every single one of those memories..."

"You need a break, Killian."

"No. No, I need to find out."

"Listen to me. You literally passed out from the shock. You need some time to let your mind rest."

"I didn't pass out because of the memory. Not the memory... itself. I... it's just that I realized that something must have happened way earlier, and I'd known, and then forgot about it completely. And I need to know, especially now that I know something happened probably before the Curse. I need to know."

She stayed silent for a few seconds, rubbing at his cheek, then spoke again. "You know, if something happened to you before that time..."

He stared at her. They both knew what they didn't want to admit, yet the silence was falling heavy between them. "It also happened to him. The other me."

Emma nodded.

"And you think I should tell him? If it's true?"

"He deserves to know, as much as you did."

"He must have forgotten somehow, then. I doubt Rumpelstiltskin would've let him walk around remembering that."

"Do you... do you think he did the same to the other Killian?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I doubt those dreamcatchers include any... moments with him."

"Considering what Gold did for him in the end... I doubt he'd continued on."

Killian closed his eyes and pulled her hand away from his cheek, still holding onto it though. She would always make assumptions around what was going on in the memories; but she didn't know everything Rumpelstiltskin was doing to him. She didn't know how he'd used him; how to him he was only a... a hole to jerk in whenever he felt like it. At the end of the day, giving up his life could have meant, to him, that he'd made up for all his crimes. That no-one would dare look bad at him after what he'd done.

"Killian?" Emma said. "It's not worth it... imagining what might have happened."

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

"If we find out something more, then we can look into it. For now we have the... almost certain possibility that the other you had been hurt by the other Rumpelstiltskin, and our Rumpelstiltskin knew that all along. That's enough to..." She sighed.

He suspected she was going to say "hate him", but that wasn't really something one should encourage, was it?

"What I mean is, do you really need any more than that?"

"No. But he deserves to know."

" _If_ we find something more. For now you can be honest with him about what the dreamcatcher contains."

He nodded. As much as he respected the other Killian, the idea of sharing that with him was terrifying. He let go of her hand and sat up. "Could you... could you stay close to me? While I watch it?"

"Of course." She sat up as well. "Anything that might make you feel better. And if you want me to leave afterwards..."

"It's just... wait here."

He walked to the guest room and looked through the dreamcatchers. He remembered that first one pretty clearly, it was the first time he saw one with red feathers. He found two, but the second one also had black feathers on it, so he was sure it was the first one.

He looked at it in his hand. It was very light to hold, but after having watched enough of them, he could almost feel the weight of the memories it contained drag him down.

He walked back to his and Emma's shared bedroom, his head hanging low.

"Are you sure you want me to be here?" she asked.

"Aye," he said softly, sitting down on the bed. "It's just... make sure to... give me a few moments after. I don't know how I may react. I may cry, or I may want to vomit..."

_Or I may want to go jerk off._

He swallowed hard, still not looking at her.

"It's alright," Emma said. "I'll be here, for whatever you may need."

With a final nod, he raised his hand, holding the dreamcatcher and activating it.


	9. Before the curse

_Here's a health to the company and one to my lass,_  
  
Hook's foot tapped on the floor, in the rhythm of the song. Good thing it was a slow one; he'd become too intoxicated by now to be able to keep up with a fast rhythm.  
  
_Let us drink and be merry, all out of one glass!_  
  
He glanced at the few men of his crew still in the tavern, sitting close to the musician and singing - or simply shouting - along with him. It was late; most of the men had gone back to the ship, the rest were here, even drunker than Hook was.  
  
"Would you care for some company?" a female voice said. He turned to his side to see a young woman sit next to him. Her clothing was very telling of what kind of company she was offering.  
  
"Sorry, lass," Hook said, foot still tapping on the rhythm. "Nothing personal, but you'll have better luck with someone else."  
  
"Come on," she said, moving closer to him. Hook tensed a little, but didn't move. "What other reason have you to stay so late here?"  
  
Without speaking, Hook simply raised his stein, kept it up for emphasis and then drank from it.  
  
"I see. And what reason may you have to spend so much on drinking?"  
  
"What's it to you?" He put his stein back on the table, tired eyes trained on it. The woman's hand entered his vision and rested over his hand. He still didn't move.  
  
"I'm a good listener. You'd be surprised how many things people like you want to talk about, yet they don't."  
  
He finally looked at her, studying her face. She looked young, and she was beautiful; most of her hair was pulled up in a bun, with dark blonde curls falling over the sides of her face. She had dark brown eyes, looking at him earnestly. She softly pulled his hand away from the stein and embraced it with both of hers. They were amazingly soft, especially against the callouses on his hand. He looked at their joined hands when she spoke.  
  
"So, what is it you'd like to take off your chest, Captain?"  
  
"How do you know I'm a captain?"  
  
"Oh, come on now," she replied, tilting her head. "Only a captain would have such pompous and rich clothing."  
  
"Is that what we're estimating a captain's value by?" He tilted a bit towards her, feeling a goofy, fake smile on his face.  
  
"Don't change the subject, dear. You look burdened. Share it with dear Nancy."  
  
"Nancy, eh?" He looked at her for a long moment, eyes drifting up and down her face, pausing at her lips - looking away when she licked them - and finally pulled his hand away from her grasp, looking back at his stein. "Here trying to ruin my reputation, aren't you?"  
  
She didn't speak, and he didn't look back at her. He contemplated finishing off his rum and going back to his ship when both of Nancy's hands rested over his again. He closed his eyes, exhausted.  
  
"I'm not in the mood, lass. Go take your business els-"  
  
His eyes snapped open and his head whipped to his side as soon as he felt his fingers lie on a hardened nipple. Nancy had untied her corset, exposing her breasts, and touched his hand on one. He quickly snatched his hand away, feeling as if it burnt where it had touched her.  
  
"Bloody hell, lass. What is it with you?" He gulped the rest of his rum down and attempted to stand up.  
  
"Wait," Nancy said in a soft, almost caring voice, and put her hands on Hook's shoulders, keeping him down.  
  
Hook sighed. "You're looking at the wrong man. Look around, so many patrons willing to talk to you and bed you. Let me be."  
  
"Why is it that?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"That you don't want to bed me. You're a fine, handsome fella. And you said it's nothing personal, so, why is it?"  
  
He swallowed hard, turning to look at her. Her corset was still undone, yet no-one seemed to pay any mind. Considering the place he was in, he wasn't that surprised.  
  
"Because I don't want to."  
  
"Why don't you want to?"  
  
"Because I lost the love of my life."  
  
His eyes went wide. Why did he just say that?  
  
"You lost them?" Her voice sounded earnest. "When?"  
  
"Seven years ago."  
  
She didn't seem surprised by his sudden honesty. What the hell was he doing?  
  
"That sounds like a lot of time to go without pleasure."  
  
"Pleasure of what? My love is dead. What is left for me to be happy about?"  
  
He wanted to bite his tongue. _Stop it, you idiot!_  
  
She looked around, re-did her corset quickly and took his hand in hers again. "Follow me," she said, standing up.  
  
"Go to hell," he said, snatching his hand away. He was too slow, too tired, too drunk; she grabbed it again.  
  
"Come with me now," she whispered to him, leaning down. "Or do you want me to drag you to the stage and let you expose your secrets to everyone?"  
  
He looked at her in mild shock. "What?"  
  
She held up a small, empty glass bottle. "Truth potion," she whispered. "Poured it in your drink while you were distracted by my breasts."  
  
"I was distracted," he blurted out. He meant to say _wasn't_. What the hell?  
  
"Oh, worry not. That's the potion revealing your truths. It's alright," she said, putting the bottle down on the table and stroking his cheek with her hand. "You're a man. You have needs, don't you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
She smiled. "And you've neglected them all along, after your love died, why?"  
  
"It disgusts me."  
  
"Having sex? It disgusts you?"  
  
"It didn't use to be sex, with her. It was love. And now it's nothing. Empty. I hate it."  
  
"Wow." She chuckled softly. "It's amazing what that potion will bring about. It will only last for a few hours, but you're going to be spewing truth anywhere, about anything. Would you rather that be in a room, alone with me, or in front of everyone?"  
  
He swallowed. "Why did you do that to me?"  
  
"You'll find out soon enough." She pulled at his hand, but he simply squeezed it around hers. She didn't seem to be bothered.  
  
"I've killed people for less."  
  
"I know. But trust me, Captain. That truth potion wasn't the only ace up my sleeve." Carefully, she lifted the wide belt tied around her waist, so that only he could see what was hidden underneath.  
  
A very familiar dagger. His eyes opened wide and he lunged forward, but she was sober, and faster; he ended up hitting his forehead on the bench.  
  
"Yes," Nancy whispered. "I have the Dark One under my complete control. And I know how much it would destroy you, if I summoned him right now and ordered him to kill you. I bet he'd like that as well."  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
"A lady never reveals her secrets."  
  
"What do you want?" Hook said slowly. He was trying to concentrate, but there was too much alcohol in his system to help.  
  
"As I said," she replied and smiled earnestly, "come with me." She pulled at his hand and he finally stood up.  
  
"So what," he said as they took the stairs up to the inn's rooms, "is it to be by force?"  
  
"Of course. Many have boasted that they've lain with the legendary Captain Hook. I'll be the first to tell the truth, though I might leave the 'by force' part our little secret."  
  
"'Lain'?"  
  
"Hm?" she said as she opened the door to one of the rooms and beckoned him to step inside.  
  
"You said, 'lain'."  
  
"Aye, what of it?" She stepped inside after him and closed the door behind her.  
  
"That's quite a complicated word for a lass of your kind to know."  
  
"Oh, we're being presumptuous now. Where did _you_ learn that's the correct form?"  
  
"In the Royal Navy. You'll be surprised how keen they were with teaching grammar."  
  
"Apparently though, they didn't teach you manners," she said, undoing her corset again. "I'd like to see how much of your pompous disrespect the potion will reveal." She grabbed his head with both hands and pushed his face on her bosom, sighing contentedly. "Do you like me now?" she asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you think you'll like me by the end of the night?"  
  
"After you've taken me by force? I highly doubt it." He tried to raise his hand to grab the dagger, but she spoke and move again.  
  
"That's alright, Captain." She pulled his head up and kissed him. Before he could react, her tongue was slipping inside his mouth. He kept his eyes open and looked at her waist; he could barely make out the shape of the dagger he'd spent seven years wanting to find, and he was still drunk, but he had to try. He let her kiss him as he slipped his hand under her belt and finally touched its handle.  
  
And it _burned_.  
  
She laughed out loud, and he felt her laugh resonate inside his mouth. She pulled back and looked at him. "Did you really think I'd be so careless?"  
  
"Yes." He swallowed hard.  
  
She laughed again, throwing her head back. "Oh, this is gonna be a great night." She let go of him and retrieved the dagger from her belt.  
  
He felt a shiver run down his spine when she placed the side of the blade against his scruff, as if she was about to start shaving him. "I know you've been wanting to kill him."  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
She smiled. "Again, I'm not the one under a truth potion, dear. Now why... why do you want to kill him?" she asked, softly dragging the blade over his chin, finally letting it rest on his neck.  
  
"Because he killed the woman I loved."  
  
"Oh. That love, yes. But isn't seven years enough?"  
  
"It'll never be enough."  
  
"Really? How long do you think you'll be trying to get your revenge?"  
  
"As long as it takes. Why are you asking me these things?"  
  
She took his hand in hers and touched it on her breast again.  
  
"Please, stop," he said. He sounded weak, and he hated it.  
  
"It's alright. I'm sure she'll forgive you. It's been long enough."  
  
"No, no. Stop. Just get on with it, just... don't talk about her."  
  
"What was her name?"  
  
"Milah."  
  
He saw her eyebrows furrow for a moment, then relax again, as if it was by accident. "Did she love you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
He felt tears gather in his eyes. He'd never spoken about this before. "That's the last thing she said to me, as she- as she died in my arms."  
  
"Oh." She had a sympathetic face on, but her hand grabbed at his and started moving it around, making his fingers play with her still hard nipple. "Do you like that?"  
  
"I... I don't know."  
  
"Do you want me, Hook?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you need me?" She leaned forward, her hot breath landing on his trembling lips. "Do you need to stick your cock in me?"  
  
His tears spilled as he said, "Yes."  
  
He could see her smile widely. "Come on, then," she said and moved away. He felt thankful when she finally took his hand away from her breast and started moving him towards the bed.  
  
"Please," he tried again. "Not like this."  
  
She was still smiling at him. "Tell me, would you have been begging me to stop if not for the truth potion?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Excellent. Now take your clothes off."  
  
He stared at her for a moment. He thought of his chances; let her sleep with him - rape him, more or less - or risk her summoning the Dark One and ordering to kill him.  
  
"I don't want you to summon the Dark One," he blurted out as he started undoing the buttons of his vest.  
  
"Are you afraid of him, Captain?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are you afraid he'll kill you?"  
  
"I'm afraid he'll kill me before I manage to get my revenge."  
  
"And what do you want to do to him, in retribution for his actions?" She now started undoing the buttons of his shirt.  
  
"I just want to kill him."  
  
"Tell me how you want to kill him."  
  
Tears had gathered in his eyes again, and he wondered if they were from the humiliation, the anger, the painful memories, or all of them combined. "I want to stab him in the heart. I want to look in his eyes as the light in them fades away." The words came out so naturally, so sensibly; it was only his trembling, drunken voice that betrayed his reluctance to share them.  
  
"Stab him? With this dagger?"  
  
"Yes... or my hook."  
  
She chuckled. "That won't do much." Vest and shirt now open, she pushed them off his shoulders.  
  
"I plan to make a poison. A concentrated mix of a poisonous herb, enough to kill even an immortal."  
  
She looked as if she was about to say something, but her eyes focused on the tattoo on his arm. She grabbed his arm and looked at it, almost with anger.  
  
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're jealous of my late love," he said.  
  
She raised the dagger next to the tattoo. "Quite a good replica you got there."  
  
"I waited to have the tattoo until I had a good sketch of the dagger. Took me some years, but I found one."  
  
"Where?" she looked at him, eyebrows still furrowed in anger.  
  
"In a library, on Onnar Island. What do you care?"  
  
"Why do you have the dagger placed with the name of your love? Looks kind of disrespectful."  
  
"It's a reminder. She's resting now, but I won't until I get my revenge."  
  
Her face finally relaxed, and she looked into his eyes intensely for a few seconds. She then let go of his hand and turned to look at his chest. She put the dagger back in her belt and touched him. "What a unique collection of scars. Where did you get them?"  
  
"I've been a pirate for almost twenty years now. Fights are bound to happen."  
  
"As are other things, I assume," she said and caressed his chest as she walked to stand behind him.  
  
Hook shivered.  
  
Nancy gasped when she looked at his back. "My, my. You've been accustomed to the whip more than a few times, haven't you?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
She chuckled. "What's your record?"  
  
"My what?"  
  
"You know what I mean. Most consecutive lashes you've received."  
  
He swallowed hard. "Forty."  
  
"What had you done?"  
  
He bit his lip, but the truth slipped out anyway. "Got caught trying to escape."  
  
"Escape fr- oh, gods! Is that what I think it is?"  
  
He felt her finger trace down the line of a scar. "What?"  
  
"This one and... some others. They look like they were... stretched on your skin. They look very old." Her voice sounded genuinely worried, and it almost made him sick.  
  
He knew which scars she was talking about.  
  
"How old were you? When you were first whipped?"  
  
"Twelve." It was only a whisper. He felt his stomach turn and his knees turn to liquid.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you want me to stop?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
But Nancy only chuckled. She placed her hands on his bare back and felt around each scar. Her hands were cold, but her breath falling on his skin was hot. And quick.  
  
And soon accompanied by soft moans.  
  
"It's amazing," she breathed. Her hands went away, and Hook felt grateful, until he felt her bare breasts against his back and her arms go around his torso, feeling for the scars on the front side. She moaned in his ear and he nearly leaned over and threw up.  
  
"You're a sadistic monster," he whispered.  
  
"Yes, I am. And you're my boy toy now." Her hands travelled down his torso to the laces of his leather pants. She started undoing them as she leaned back and started licking the scars on his back, and he tried to move away by arching his back. "Stop, now," she said as she undid his pants and lowered them. "Take off your boots."  
  
She walked in front of him as he did so, and despite the horrible situation he'd found himself in, he couldn't avoid the sight of her, now having discarded any cloth covering her upper body.  
  
"Have you missed it, Captain? Have you missed a woman's touch..." She took his hand and again used his fingers to toy with her nipples. "Have you missed the warmth of a wet cunt around your cock?" She wrapped her free hand around his cock, and he whimpered when it responded to her touch. "Oh, you have. No need for that truth potion here, I guess," she said, a huge grin on her face.  
  
She then leaned forward and kissed him, though this time it was slow, soft. He hated it even more for that. He hated _her_.  
  
"Get it over with, then," he whispered against her lips.  
  
"Oh, feisty! Come on, then. Kick off the rest of your pants and lie down." She let him go and stood in front of the bed, watching him.  
  
He followed her orders, eyes still drifting down to her belt.  
  
"Don't even think about that," she said. "I don't need to take my skirt off to fuck you."  
  
She was right; there was nothing he could do, and his mind was still slow from the alcohol. He noticed, however, how she hadn't mentioned his brace, despite her eyes drifting to it every now and then.  
  
"How did you get his dagger?" he asked as he lay on the bed.  
  
"You're not in the position to ask questions."  
  
"Why are you doing this to me?" he whined before he could control it.  
  
She smiled, climbing on the bed above him. "Because I love having power over people. And you... you play the powerful one well enough. Being a captain and all that. But now, you're cowering at my feet like a kicked dog."  
  
"Don't call me that."  
  
"Shut up, dog."  
  
He finally mustered an angry look to fix her with. She just looked impressed.  
  
Then her hand wrapped around his cock again. "Come on, now. We've wasted enough time. The sooner we're done the sooner I'll let you go."  
  
He looked directly in her eyes, trying to focus on the situation, to postpone his erection as much as possible. But he couldn't lie; he was starved. He'd missed this intimacy... of course it being forced upon him only made things worse, but his body didn't seem to care about that. It only seemed to care about the hand that was currently wrapped around his cock.  
  
"You do know I'm going to hunt you down? I'll find you and get the dagger, even if I have to kill you."  
  
"Oh, I'd _love_ to see you try!" She was getting excited, if the tone of her voice was anything to go by. "There you go! Poor little starved thing, look at it!"  
  
He closed his eyes, feeling shame creep back in again and replace his anger. "Please..."  
  
"Oh, alright, crybaby. I'm taking you in."  
  
And she did. She raised her skirt and settled on him, sighing audibly when he slipped inside her.  
  
Hook kept his eyes closed and buried the side of his face on the pillow, starting to sob, hating how there was a little voice inside him telling him it felt good.  
  
Nancy moved above him, front and back, moaning.  
  
Something came up in Hook's mind then; it... it felt... strange. He opened his eyes and looked at how she moved. It looked as if she'd never had sex like that before. And, not that he was very proud of it in that exact moment, but he knew what a virgin looked like during her first time.  
  
"Bloody hell, lass," he said. "Are you a virgin?!"  
  
Her mouth made a mixed sound of laughter and ecstatic moans.  
  
He almost felt as if he was crazy; she didn't feel like a virgin, but there was something in the way she moved, in the expression on her face...  
  
He turned his face away. He could only look at her for so long.  
  
"Are you enjoying this?"  
  
"No," he nearly whimpered.  
  
"Good. Very good."  
  
She didn't speak again; she only moved above him, up and down, to and fro, letting his cock find her spots, and moaning, or screaming, in pleasure.  
  
_They're gonna hear them..._  
  
Finally, she breathed out a heavy sigh and fell on him, chest on chest, breathing hard. He could feel her erratic heartbeat against his own...  
  
He wanted to scream.  
  
"Please. It's over now, let me go."  
  
"It's over when I say it's over."  
  
Tears squeezed through his closed eyes. "How much longer?"  
  
He felt a hand run over his face, and his stomach turned again.  
  
Her breath was landing on his face when she said, "Roll over." She moved away then, sitting at the end of the bed and looking at him.  
  
He looked back at her. "What?"  
  
"Roll over. On your stomach."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I'm not finished."  
  
"What... what are you gonna do? How are you...?"  
  
"Just roll over!" She was still breathing hard, locks of her hair plastered on her sweaty face.  
  
He didn't like what his imagination was feeding his mind with regarding what she might do. And unfortunately, she guessed so.  
  
"What do you fear I'm going to do to you?"  
  
"Stick something up my ass." His voice was trembling.  
  
She smiled widely, an eerie, dark smile that took him back to all the nightmares he'd had of Rumpelstiltskin smiling above him, above Milah's body. "And what might that something be?"  
  
"I don't... I don't know. I've seen semblances of genitals."  
  
"Have you ever had one up your ass?"  
  
"No." Bloody hell, was she gonna ask him if... if a real one...  
  
She just kept smiling at him. "Roll over."  
  
Fearing her questions would get even more humiliating, he did as she told him and lay on his stomach. Her hands started travelling up and down his back again, and her breathing picked up once more. "I want you to remember this night," she said.  
  
"Believe me, I will."  
  
She chuckled, and then her left hand moved to rest on his brace. It slowly moved down to his hook, and she wrapped her fingers around it. "Does that thing come off?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good." Without a second word then, she started undoing the buckles one by one. "Aren't you gonna beg me to stop?"  
  
"No."  
  
She giggled. "Why?"  
  
"You've humiliated me enough. What difference will it make if you see my scarred wrist?"  
  
_Bloody hell._  
  
"Aw..." she said and leaned over him. He shivered when he felt her hair brush his skin. "Did I break the fearsome Captain Hook?"  
  
A sob escaped him.  
  
"That's enough of an answer," she said and finally took the brace off. She threw it on the floor and raised his lower arm backwards.  
  
It was painful enough for him to have to swallow a small groan.  
  
"Look at it..." she said breathlessly as she run her fingers over it.  
  
Hook felt his shoulders started to tremble. How much further would she go?  
  
Nancy touched her lips on the stump, breathing hot and hard down on it. "My masterpiece..." the lips touching his stump said.  
  
It was not Nancy's voice.  
  
It was the voice from his nightmares.  
  
With a quick gasp, Hook opened his eyes and looked behind him. His blood froze and his head spun as he saw who was now behind him. Rumpelstiltskin, the Crocodile, naked.  
  
Aroused.  
  
Hook stood frozen there, while Rumpelstiltskin held his stump against his lips, his other hand resting on Hook's scarred back.  
  
And then Hook screamed.  
  
And Rumpelstiltskin giggled.  
  
For a few seconds, everything was a blur. He didn't realize when Rumpelstiltskin had let go of his arm, nor when ropes had appeared and tied his arms to the bedpost. The only thing that brought him back to full consciousness was the feeling of Rumpelstiltskin's cock slamming inside him.  
  
Again, he only screamed only to be met with laughs from behind.  
  
"Who's the one fucking a virgin now?!" Rumpelstiltskin shouted in his high-pitched, impish voice, before he laughed again.  
  
_Don't speak, don't speak_ , Hook thought. The last thing he wanted to admit right then was that it had been so long since the last time that he'd healed.  
  
He started thrusting inside him, hard and fast and neat, just flesh rubbing against flesh.  
  
Very soon Hook started crying. He couldn't talk. Sobs were rocking his whole body, and screams were scratching his throat raw. Everything had happened too fast and his inebriated brain couldn't react quickly enough.  
  
Rumpelstiltskin didn't speak. He only thrust and thrust and moaned and moaned...  
  
At some point Hook gained enough consciousness to realize Rumpelstiltskin wasn't inside him anymore. He could feel him, however, lying half on him, fingers lazily tracing the patterns of his scars. He could feel the dried blood on his ass and buttocks, the wetness on the pillow from his tears, and the pain, oh gods, the pain...  
  
He whimpered involuntarily as all the pain in his body sprang to consciousness as well, and he heard Rumpelstiltskin sigh.  
  
"Seeing you around here was the last thing I expected. I'd figured you'd want to stay as far away from me as possible," he said in a more normal, low-pitched voice, still tracing patterns on his back. "Why did you come here?"  
  
"Work," Hook managed in a raspy voice. He could slowly feel the effects of the truth potion fade away, otherwise he guessed he'd be spewing out his whole business with Pan.  
  
"Did you know I was here?"  
  
"No." His voice trembled even for that tiny word.  
  
"I barely contained myself when I saw you here." He moved to lie right next to him and grabbed his chin in a scaly hand. "I wanted to rip your face off right at that moment."  
  
Hook's lips were trembling, tears still flowing down his cheeks. He had so many questions...  
  
"Why... change? Why... did you..."  
  
"Pretend to be someone else?" He brought his free hand to caress Hook's forehead, and Hook nearly screamed. "It was a test. I wanted to poke on the hole Milah's death has surely left on your heart."  
  
"It wasn't... you forced me..."  
  
"Yes, perhaps that's true, but still, your body betrayed you. You fucking wanted that 'Nancy''s pussy, didn't you?"  
  
"No, no..." Hook closed his eyes and tried to move away from his touch.  
  
"I wish I knew how long I've been fucking you. I don't know if the truth potion is still in effect. Never mind. It was still fun seeing you fight between your body and mind, and eventually your body winning the battle."  
  
He let him go, and Hook tried to scoot over, but his arms were still restrained and he couldn't move much. He looked up at them. They were red, irritating skin only getting worse the more it rubbed on the rope.  
  
"How...?" he tried to say as he looked at his left arm.  
  
"Oh, simple magic. I could just as easily have given you your hand back, but, see..." He touched the scarred wrist and Hook whimpered. "I just couldn't help admiring my handiwork."  
  
"Go to fucking hell."  
  
"Oh, we're angry now?" Rumpelstiltskin looked down at him with a smile. "Feisty! I like that."  
  
Hook kept looking at him angrily while thinking how 'Nancy' had used the same term... and to think he thought he was being humiliated and violated _before_ she transformed back into his nemesis, his worst nightmare...  
  
"You should be proud instead," Rumpelstiltskin said.  
  
Hook blinked. "What?!"  
  
"Proud, that a man like me wastes his time with a man like you. That I chose to spend my night raping and humiliating you, instead of finding something better to do with my time."  
  
"What the hell are you saying?! You think that was tedious?!"  
  
"No, actually, I quite enjoyed it. And while I do believe it's a worthy punishment for your sorry hide, it's definitely not worth my time. But I do appreciate the irony. You took my wife, and now I took you."  
  
_It wasn't like that. It was nothing like that. Nothing, nothing..._  
  
"I didn't force her to do anything. Unlike you-"  
  
Hook's words were cut off by Rumpelstiltskin wrapping his hand around his neck, squeezing. Hook's eyes opened wide, and he thrashed around, trying to free himself and find his breathing again.  
  
"This fucking mouth of yours... I've complete control over the situation, I've raped you and hurt you and exposed you, and you still talk back."  
  
Hook wanted to say so much, most of all how he didn't give a bloody damn what Rumpelstiltskin had done to him. It wouldn't change him in any way he'd like.  
  
Finally, Rumpelstiltskin let go, and Hook gasped, collapsed on the mattress, ragged breaths hurting his screamed-out throat.  
  
"I wish I could say I had hopes of you learning to behave if I raped you again... but I have to be honest." Rumpelstiltskin's voice rose up again, impish and terrifying once more. "I simply enjoyed it too much." He then moved to sit between Hook's legs and entered him again.

* * *

Seven times.  
  
Hook hated that he counted them, but he couldn't help it. All of them were long, hard, and excruciating. Dawn was breaking by the time Rumpelstiltskin rose from the bed. He leaned over him, but Hook's eyes were closed. He was too tired, too hurt; he'd had so much, Rumpelstiltskin might as well kill him.  
  
"I must say, you look much older than I would have guessed," Rumpelstiltskin said over him, in a normal voice again. Even his breath landing on him was enough to make Hook shiver whole. "Your face is so... broken. Pale, grey. And it's only been seven years."  
  
Seven years, seven times.  
  
Not counting Nancy's orgasm, however. It made more sense to him that way. How Rumpelstiltskin would take the form of a woman just to...  
  
"You _are_ suffering, aren't you?"  
  
_Yes._  
  
"It's just so visible on your face. I mean, apart from your obvious torment this night."  
  
_Always._  
  
"I even saw it from the other end of the tavern. Not just the way you sulked over alcohol, your only comfort, but your whole face..."  
  
A scaly hand caressed his face, and Hook barely managed a whimper. He was so exhausted, and in so much pain... but his mind registered what Rumpelstiltskin was saying. He almost blurted out that he'd been in Neverland all along, and hadn't grown old, so he shouldn't have looked as old as Rumpelstiltskin was claiming he did... but he knew the truth himself. He rarely looked at mirrors anymore, the shadows on his face too reminiscent of the shadows in his mind and in his nightmares. He knew that, at his weakest times, his pain was perfectly clear on his face... and one of his weakest moments had to be when the bloody Crocodile was present.  
  
"I want to kill you. I _should_ kill you."  
  
Hook made a breathing sound, in lieu of a "Do it, then." He was so broken down, he found himself hoping the Dark One would do as he said.  
  
"It's only the knowledge that you'll keep suffering to the end of your days that stops me. And you deserve that. To suffer your way to death."  
  
Hook shivered.  
  
"I'll move on. I'll keep being powerful and unstoppable. And without ever touching or seeing you again, I'll know you'll be suffering. And I _hope_ I'll never see you again. You'd better hope that too."  
  
Hope. Quite a meaningless, empty word for him.  
  
His arms fell down on the mattress as the ropes around them disappeared. He managed to crack open one eye and see, in the light of day, that Rumpelstiltskin had disappeared, leaving behind a broken, bleeding, crying mess.  
  
He closed his eyes, his last coherent thought being a plea to himself, or anyone who had that power, to forever remove that night from his memory.


End file.
